hol

we watched some tv the other day. (you, garret, and i.) a 1 hour show from the science channel about the hawking paradox.

i firmly refused to believe information/things can cease to exist anywhere, and think they must just be somewhere else, not bliped out of being completely. you and garret were more undecided. well, less adamant anyway... you like to oppose me for fun sometimes.

and this was fun, or a close thing.

so, mid-show, you were very much on hawking's side, because you thought all this erasing indicated time travel to be quite possible, as the past was not even THERE and quite able to be re-written, no re- about it.

i liked some of this train of thought, but still could not swallow it Hole, as AMANDA was. and were, and will.

(the show then ended with hawking saying that he was wrong about information, it doesn't get destroyed, but only because there are parallel universes, and everything with a black hole in it will eventually disappear, including the black holes, leaving only the one universe.... amanda does not think this is the wHole picture either.)

no. what amanda liked best was a side comment and not a point at all. there are millions and billions of black holes, that we can see in space, of varying sizes... with infinity going both ways, there could be millions and billions of black holes in this room, in your cup of coffee, inside your head.

INSIDE MY HEAD!!!

garret was not too excited. he just said- yeah amanda. you probably have more in you head than most people.

but you liked this idea almost as much as i.

and, in case a black hole sucked the memory from your brain already... very possible since this all occurred inside my head... i thought i should tell you the story.

GUESS...

NO.

she screams, she screams, she screams. amanda hates people. amanda hates guessing. amanda hates the word GUESS, and people who want her to guess, and people who say "guess what..." and don't ever complete the thought until 5 minutes later, and amanda* hopes serial killers find these people and slowly kill them, and revive them, and them kill them again, and that the nice serial killer will grin at them and say... GUESS what I am going to do to you next....

because THEN i bet they would get to feel what it is like to have your brain not shut off.

like amanda, when someone annoyingly says, guess what i saw when i opened the refrigerator...

and her brain starts to yell at her...

mold! mouse! cheese! milk! eggs! light! cold! ketchup! mustard! mayo! dead-guy! brain! tongue! roast! fish! chicken! money! phone! sandwich! butter! juice! orange! celery! lettuce! leftover-gravy...

all too-fast, too-fast and panicky because she does not know. and she does not like to not-know.

and the yelling does not stop until the sadist says... nothing.

which is extra upsetting because her brain had not thought of that answer yet.

i don't want to guess. i don't want to have to run through all the possibilities. and if someone says guess, that is what i have to do. if they don't just TELL me, i have to think of every possibility before it is safe to let that thought go.

and even then, amanda can't really be SURE she has though of everything, and she might have to wake up 2 weeks later, thinking MEATLOAF! because she left it off the list.

so.

i want that nice serial killer to find them.

and smile at them.

and say- guess what happens next.

and see if they can NOT-think about it.

jerks.

(*freudian typed my own name as aMADa four times before i noticed and could then spell it amanda. plus, kept spelling brain as bain.)

Sea Writer, Sea Writer, See-Righter, Sea Writer...

rachel, who is not really a rachel but a Joey, reminded me about amanda today...

so i came to see her. and talk to us.

i am thinking of ick and telepathy and z-coil shoes...

now, this is obviously just a blog about me and not a heavily trafficked site, but i put up the little google ad thingys in the beginning, and now i LOVE them.

in fact, most of the reason i have not written a blog since the last one is because: talking about those springy shoes made Z-coil shoes appear. Magic!

...the computer is sending me secret messages. :)

change of subject.

i was in florida for christmas. it was happy and warm. i got married.

garret is getting smarter about asking me the right questions... like instead of, "do you love me?" asking stuff like-- "do you like it better when i am here" or "would you kill people for me?"

i need more tangible yes/no questions.

OH! a very sad thing i found out is that black panthers do not really live in the florida everglades. i am highly traumatized by this. at least, there are no documented cases of them, just people who say they have seen them, who are probably wrong, and saw a black bobcat or something.

and that even "real" black panthers (leopards or jaguars) are actually a very dark brown.

i think i shall stubbornly go back to believing in black panthers until i forget this fact.