Sameness

depressed, depressed, depressed, repressed, smothered, suffocating, numb, such ACHE.

hate, hate, hate, hate, want, want, want, WANT.

i feel so bad i could be almost certain i am bipolar, since i feel sure the sludging baseline of depression i lived in just a bit ago was MANIA compared to this. but no, probably not. probably just a check box. i am moved, slotted, allotted from "depressed" to "very depressed." yeah, that "very" really captures the difference. i should enjoy this i suppose, it could get even worse, any minute now this memory could seem like mania when juxtaposed with the future hell of tomorrow.

hurt. restless. lonely. numb, numb, numb. i don't understand how the physical body survives. i still breathe, my heart still beats. it is surreal. it seems the brain ought to stop it and strike me dead from the pain.

i was pretty hyper from the melatonin. but i have been feeling blah for awhile, i don't think it is just recoil. just the same the same the same. messes with no solutions. hating that my story is not a fairy tale with a happy ending. i cannot change i cannot fix i cannot save i cannot i cannot i cannot.