long-handled spoons.

here is the song loop: Blink182 singing- All the. Small things.

Then... Good Charlotte? I think. Then Good Charlotte breaks in with- The Little Things! The Little Things!

Like an argument. The songs don't get any further than that. Just an interrupting tug-of-war.

All the. small things. The little things! The little things! All the. small things. The little things the little things!!!! All. the. small things. The little things!!! THE LITTLE THINGS!!! All. the. small. things!

Blink182-guy is clearly winning the argument. Other guy is freaking out with eyeliner running down his face. Insistently screaming THE LITTLE THINGS!! while Blink-guy smirks.

Hmm.

I am probably more often eyeliner-guy in an argument.

and/or i do not understand canadians.

(seems like everyone impossible lately is canadian, i'm 5 for 5.)

i first thought that in jest. because, well, even though i don't really know any canadians, i don't think of them as being from another country. they go in the same mental compartment as people from Maine or North Dakota. people who live up in lots of snow. (north is up.)

but... i think there might be something to it. Just this week a Canadian said, you just don't understand our humor up here. And he wasn't talking to me, as in I, so by you he seemed to mean Americans as a collective.

the whole grouping thing is a strange tangent in itself... very unobservant of me to ignore the designation Canadian until someone points out i am not in the group and cannot play. i mean, it's not like i ever thought of myself as canadian, but it never occurred to me it might be relevant in relating to people. culture is such a weird thing.

when i was in 6th grade, i had my head slammed into a wall while walking to class. the three 8th graders, who were black, informed me that- that's for being a white girl. of course i knew i wasn't black before that, but i'd never really noticed before.

i think at this point in my life, if i was to write a list describing who and what i am, i'd put the adjective white on the list. not because i feel any kinship with white people in particular, but just because i have had a few experiences where i was made to feel White. the same with Girl or Woman.

but they are defensive labels. more about what i am not than what i am.

in amanda-speak there is rarely a This, only a Not-That.

i don't think of myself as American so much as Not-French, Not-Colombian.

i don't identify with the group, i just accept the label for it's designation of- OUTCAST.

my exceptions to that are: i AM Aspie. i AM Floridian.

those two are a True instead of just a Not-false.

anyway. i have gotten sidetracked.

All the. Small things...

oh yes, that was what i started to write about. the small, little things. like long-handled spoons.

Here's the thing... cakes.

No, just kidding. Grr, can't stop thinking in other people's quotes. Here is the thing..

spoons.

It might be "bad" that I allow small things to upset me. (Such as pesky canadians.)

But, this minute, it is yay. Turn on a dime... Because little happy things are now.

I have been worried and icky with trap-sleep. When i go to bed angry, i wake up in fists and in a hypnopompic state. Brain all knotted. Last night, i was in a bad mood.

But then, a small little peek-wave gesture turned it all around. And, yay! Joey sent over some warm fuzzies and then- poof, i was deliriously happy. (Literal on the delirium.)

And so, i went off to happy dreamland and not the bad kind. Pretty, floaty hypnagogic stuff.

(Hypnagogic means hallucinating while trying to fall asleep, hypnopompic means hallucinating while getting up. I get lots of hypnopompic stuff, sometimes mixed in with sleep paralysis, and i can't always tell apart sleep and reality. Think- very vivid dreams involving lots of violence, rape, murder, etc.)

I did wake up thinking Sagira was dead, but luckily she was curled up on me, so I could tell that it was just a dream.

I made myself hot-chocolate. With a long-handled spoon. And spent a long time thinking of how much i love long-handled spoons and how happy they make me.

So. Today so far: yay Joey, yay Sagira, yay hot-chocolate, yay SPOONS!

Today's I AM list: i am cold. i am hungry. i am cat. i am bug. i am cute. i am strange. i am smile. i am dark. i am blue light. i am INDO? i am teeny. i am boxed. i am yay.

you should make an I AM list. they are super fun. most fun i think when you write whatever pops in head first to complete the sentences, and don't think too much.

kick-kiss to all who read this,
i am anda