a conversation. the parallel thoughts. and the aftermath.

The catalytic snippet of conversation:

S: I knew you were a surrealist like me :)
Me: no.
...
S: (paraphrasing) it seems like you've studied psychology and philosophy.
Me: i haven't read much philosophy, just a paragraph takes hours to think about, so i rarely make it through a book.
...
S: about philosophy- i know what you mean, but i like that about it, i've always liked to question everything



The internal mental commentary that paralleled at the time:

no. well, whether or not i am a surrealist is irrelevant, as what i said before you accused me of surrealism was not in fact where i was going with my thoughts. so, maybe yes. but no, not this second, and second, as in next not as in time, second, which i've now said in thirds, second, hehe, second, even if i was both a surrealist and if i was being surreal at this time, still and absolutely NO, because i would NOT, and for sure, ever be a surrealist, or an any kind of -ist, LIKE YOU, i would be entirely my own kind of -ist. no.

this is weird, it's almost a civil conversation, if still an impossible one, since she wants to make sentences fight and group all kinds of disagreeable contradictions together... philosophy? what does philosophy have to do with how i talk/type?

that would be me, not what i've read, and TRUST me, i can say that because i know the difference, i have read books so long that i have been completely drowned in the syntax and rhythm, and become an echo echo echo, dream and write and stuck-brain in someone else's words, i do this on purpose sometimes with good books, as it is pretty fascinating, but no, no i am in my own syntax today, and have NOT read anything i got stuck in lately, no philosophy for sure, so my knowledge, or lack thereof, of philosophy is irrelevant.

why does she keep putting things together that do not go? lie lie lies to throw around "I KNOW" and "I CAN TELL" kinds of statements, because she obviously does Not-know. so why doesn't she ask if she suspects, instead of phrasing things with presuppositions that are not true?

sigh. i do Not-know. so i will say- no, Not-why, and also, yes i like philosophy, in an attempt to keep up the conversation and the Civil... i haven't read much philosophy, just a paragraph takes hours to think about, so i rarely make it through a book...

MADMADMADMADMADMADMADMAD. frustratedANGERkick. resignation. sigh. surrender. i have no idea how what i said made her think that i do NOT like to question everything. i simply meant that i am only 29, and so i have not been alive long enough to have had time to think my way through BOOKS, only as far as a few pages. what does that observation have to do with LIKE? of course i like it.

talking to humans is too hard. again with the grouping. i hate being grouped. AND, if you are going to be presumptuous enough to group me in with you... which, would be a mistake... why would you assume- yes, i share that experience with you. we are in the same group. but, unlike you, i enjoy questioning things and like philosophy.

NO. wrong groups again. have backwards. you and i? NOT a group. and also, amanda DOES like to question things, so QUIT trying to outcast her from that group.

sigh. impasse impasse impasse...



The aftermath of thought:

But actually... (and much to my chagrin) after giving it some thought...

i don't like to question everything.

Kind of embarrassing after i got so mad. But I don't.

I like to think, ponder, understand, explore, pick apart to see the guts inside and how they work... but question?

I don't question, challenge, or disbelieve things especially. I am gullible. The streak of blunt honesty in my nature expects the same in return.

If you tell me the sky is blue, i might think- what makes it blue? is the blue i see the same as the blue garret sees? what if what my brain calls pink is what other people see in their head and call blue? where is the line that separates sky from space? what IS sky exactly? not just air, not space...

I think about, I play with, but i rarely doubt any of the random information i know.

So, she was quite right. I do not like to question or challenge or doubt things. I just like to play.

Mostly, this is because things make sense.

I Question humans the most. Because conversations, behavior... is Non-sense.

I know, and can explain, why I do and say everything i do and say.

95% of everything others do and say?

i Do not-Know.

Entropia. Groups. Social navigating.

First, I want to repeat my favorite explanation of humans/aversion therapy.

There are stupid people that think that if you have problems with getting anxious around humans, or freaking out in the grocery store, or whatever- the solution is to simply be around people MORE, go to the store MORE, and you will see that there is nothing to worry your silly head about and tra la la la, la la, vomit, eye-roll, punch.

This is how Psych-os might help a client with a fear of spiders or elevators. You make them look at a picture of a spider, sit in the same room with a spider, and so on until they are petting a furry tarantula, and letting it run all over them, and saying- hey! wow! spiders are great!

It works because the elevator does not crash, the spider does not rip their throat out.

Humans are not spiders, and if i go to the store MORE, or endure a longer conversation with a human... well, this does nothing except to rip my throat out ten times instead of seven. It just carves the wounds deeper, no chance to heal, the closer the serial-killer gets to the surface.

Not productive at all, as it just reinforces all my beliefs instead of proving them irrational.

I am still not over plasma-girl and my desire to stab her. So, clearly, humans in real time (and in the same room) are too big of a poisonous snakey-spider.

But Garret thinks talking to online people is good. Because he says if i just read books i am meaner, less coherent, and expect people to have more mind reading capabilities.

Online people are slowed-down-spiders. So sometimes they are not so bad. But I still have a lot of tantrums from the frustrations of them.

Like in this game I play, Entropia. There are a bunch of players grouped into a "society," of which I am a part. Some I like, some I feel neutral-ish toward, and a few I can't stand.

Now, I think most people feel dislike towards at least a few people... but this does not seem to significantly impair them. They just are like-- uh, yeah, I hate that dude, and they go on about their day.

I do not know this trick.

It seems like a useful trick.

For the most part, I think I have coped ok with the people I can't stand. But this is due to them either not being on that much or to us both mostly ignoring each other.

However, I then went and joined a team with seven other people. (All from the "society.") The 8 of us are in a hunting competition that lasts about 4 weeks. Week three just started and I am really having a hard time.

I shouldn't be, it's not like we have to talk all that much. But we still have to talk some. I can not completely ignore my teammates. So, I keep getting frustrated because I hate one of them. I shall nickname the hated one Spider.

So why do I hate her? At first, I thought I needed to untangle some deep WHY in the web of my hate. But it's not very deep or complicated.

The Aspie rants I have read about evil NTs... the kind of person they mean by that stereotype. I think that is all she is and why I have such a problem.

It started out as dislike. She was nonsensical. Then I noticed a couple lies. (Or she incorrectly answered direct questions, if you prefer, but my brain calls that lying.) That strengthened the dislike. For the most part we ignored each other. She knew I disliked her, she'd acknowledged it, but she did not seem troubled about resolving things.

I feel like i made a couple of efforts. And then there was some stuff i disagreed with her about, and i tried to explain that i was not pouting just because i hate her, that ok, yeah i hate her, but i was disagreeing for other reasons.

(I had a problem with another person in the society, who also talked a lot of non-sense. It turned out they were just very good at playing human, and when pressed they were able to communicate with me, and I finally understood them a bit. And so it worked out, and I consider them a friend now.)

With Spider, that never happened, each attempt at communication just makes me increasingly frustrated, as it is harder and harder to believe there is anything inside her skull but blood.

Here is the part that is most upsetting and hard to make sense of--- when it is just the two of us, we are our barely civil selves. Then, when another team member comes on, she's VERY nice to me. I find this very disturbing, this playing to an audience.

A friend of mine (named Candy CAKE!) helped me with this because i thought i was going crazy (er). Candy said she was at a party once and this girl#1 was talking to her and then a girl#2 came in the door, and girl#1 left in mid-sentence to go talk to girl#2 who was a very popular person.

So this story clued me in to the possibility that Spider is like a vapid middle-schooler. And she wants the "popular guys" in the society to like her.

But still, i am not so sure, because that is so silly i can not type it with a straight face.

And i don't see how pretending to be nice to me would make anyone like her. Like, they are going to think, wow she's so nice, even to cantankerous crazy girls, she should be my new BFF??? I like other people because they are funny or clever, not because they go around showering others with insincere wishes and compliments.

Whatever her odd motives, it is very taxing to be around her. The fakeness is unsettling. If she is not going to turn out to be clever or have sense, I wish we could just go back to mutual dislike.

I have been in the elevator too long. A week and a half left, lets see how much more i can bleed.