Am&a'sTodayNowToday

I could really use some help with my own song. Sign. 

1. (Note to Self : Amanda, I love you.)
2. (You love I, Amanda : Self to Note.)

Ok. So noted. But can we get back to that q-tip-pen-of a tippy toe?

Oh, first, go back, and more intro...

Start-Into-2:40pm 4.12.2012.

Amanda, you woke up a few minutes ago. This is a note to yourself, all slopped out hap-py-hazard, so you can go back later and get this all sorted right into some sort of sembelence.

And today, the sort is just all-- Remembered rememberence...

Bleh. And today is only 4 minutes or so later, and Garret called, so you were curious to see if that was important... so... you asked, Hello? Do you want something?

And Garret did not, he was just being sweet, and he just said that no he had just wanted to call and say that he loved you. And this was distracting, but yay for Garrets, so you really did try REAL hard to get the point, but, you were just like... um? Yes? How can I help you? And he got all huffy that you asked if he had any questions and you guys kinda got into a huffy-pout-snit at eeach other, but luckily you recalled, AMANDAJOY BE NICE!!!, which you are still a work in progress on, but you went so far at least today to take a deep breath and say, "I love you." I what I when has hoped was a sweet voice, and simply hung up...

Oh. Haha. Yeah, yeah Jax-s-to-s-position-s, Jack, I do see the more in that...

Anyway.

Ready as you'll ever be?

Great.

Ready aim fire then, carry on...

Let's return to last night... when Amanda Joy was thinking about the small baby math of it, some of which she doesn't know words for, so she makes some more up... and she tries to Recall where she has already been in the story, and where the Math got down to brass tacks last time...

= D - earth = A death of "undefind" places in Space =

Also, Earth + D = Both Death and Dearth and Ear and Earth'D and ... "The Train Never Arrived = The Train is ALWAYS arriving = Ding! Ding! Ding! is this your endstop? It's enough to make anyone a little Dingy from the form of the Dins. That is why id is so Humand to look back, because the SENSE is only found in the REFLECTION. Sometimes the story is about being obediant. Sometimes it is about looking back if you really really really do want to see the face of someone... but, be aware, that even though salt of the earth could be good, too much salt is appaerntly abd bad for somethings, like maybe mermaids, and maybe the ocean just needs MORE salt to get those poor little frozen stick-people out of the freezer. This calls for a cat who is lofty and high above his own station in life... where might I find such a mad-cap-cap'n-ahab-piratical-cat?! Thankfully, eXzacxtly pounced one up for me. I Ahoy I salute I pass by in the dark I call me the ring of 'Swish-my-Ell I you other lonely boats in the dark I do not recommen dt AVOIDING the Gaps, but I do reccommend MINDING them I do recomment KNOWING what is in them and I am working on knowing which bits are simply typos...

Phone again. Wait. I was too late... I missed a call from Greg. Hmmm. But this recalled me to my generic ringtone, which is a Distillers song...

Yeah. DIstillers.

Think a lot about trains and subways and "mind the Gap" being more than just a funny expression, but MORE too, DIvide and DIvisions and which spits are bad and which splits of the trains go to good places. There is no end to the train. It is not that...

This is a work in progress. This is a song unfinished. There is no end to the train.

There is no end to greatness... all those swirled off eddying currents? Well. When is sometimes Current.

First lesson to hold close to the chest... Learn : Play Dictionary.

DIg

DIrect

DIrector

DIscern

DIcernible

DImmed

DIdtinguish

DIversity

DIvide

DO, DID, DONE.

If Truth is not what you think...Well. There is probably MORE to the story.

Mind the Gap.

Yawn.

Come Back!

Death is just the stopendstop.

LOOK.

And place hold the spaces-right.

-stopendstop-s-top-end-s-top-

(Then you need more depth and dimension at this both-way bit-split, because you have to see both the spin and the still and the door and the stopper coming OPEN and the opening and the flip and the Top going OUT and staying, still, right, everywhere.)

See? No?

Hmmm. Well. LOOK at stopend some more maybe.

(Or just go look at a hopeful POP-tart wanting to get out of a Toaster.)

Split the watermelon open yet?

St____ d?

(Self who needs encouragement; Amanda Loves to Win. I will win. I will win. I will win. I will be happy SO HARD; I will Love Amanda set to Rights.)

Well. Heh. I certainly like to do Hard Things the Hard Way, Amanda who disliked Robert Frost because you were INSISTANT that you would prefer to take BOTH roads... but not so argued the teacher because the teacher said you can only pick one path and there is no going back and reetracting our own steps and do-overs, because apparently that teacher did know NOTHING about ANYTHING, like, and for example, how MOOT does Mean something worth fighting for, Moot is DEBATE, and Moot is NOT-irrelvant. Shh, pay no attention to that man behind the curtain... NO I WILL NOT SHUSH! DO NOT SHUSH ME YOU SNEAKY EYED TRICKSEE!!

Where is a lawnmower when you need one?

Bleh, I am too-tiny-small to interpret all this growing gramineous grass...

This is just for me. This is not prophetic for you. But this is the trick of the rhetoric. I believe in God, I believe in Me. Then, I just play, and look back at what I see. But my mess of a life unsorted into syn-taxed may NOT be the way for the You who later Looks Back.

This is the trick of may be letting it all be a mess and having faith in the form and then LOOK BACK and See... Oh. Yes. That's maybe where I was going with that,,,ing... 

Each re-write re-tunes and re-finds; but it's sometimes important to hold onto all of the bits and scraps.

Don't let the train just circle and circle and vulture to nowhere solely for the fun of it.

Pick a goal. Pick a destination. Then get to that WhenXWhere.

Sign. This is hard... I haven't even begun to get near all the mad-scribbles I drew at the When-point Before This.

Sigh... They ended with this... "THIS IS A WHEN TO WHERE."

The baby-Math--

D id for Death.

Oh No! Sad Face!

D id for Doubt.

Doubt? Huh? Oh! Ok! DIstreacleStraction....

ASK THE RIGHT QUESTION.

Huh? Who? Wha?

Oh, Look! A Ponny Corn... la la la... E is for EAT, yum!

Well. Not just. But also Too.

E = where roads cross into bones and the sh ape of X forms up... 

SEER (Chris. excerpts pages 3 and 5 and 6)

Today you realize you don’t know any other ME’s… besides ME and FREEDMAN. And Freedman will not abandon you—so what or who do you have to lose by radically changing how you act??

Today a boy got on your bus and he is tall and cute and the-end of the story.

Today he is Chris Palmer, and he is still tall and cute, but he has made fun of you once or twice and hurt your feelings.

Today is more of the same, and so, since Chris Palmer, ALREADY dislikes you; you decide to see if you can, in fact, change the world.

And you decide to start your experiment with this very small piece of the world that has high school and Chris Palmer in it. And you decide that perhaps, the first trick might be to let the craziness in your head peek out MORE, because that is where all the fun is hiding. And so, you decide to think like a stalker and figure out where Chris is all day, because right now you have only noticed that one hour of his day.

Today you almost quit because you feel stupid… but you are very bored… so… you tell yourself sternly that it is perfectly ok to be a stalker, because you are trying an experiment and it is scientific, and anyway, you are not a BAD-stalker because you are not going to kill anyone or watch them undress—you are just stalking during SCHOOL HOURS ONLY, and you are keeping yourself entertained and out of trouble and stuff, and that is very important.

And plus, it is very FUN.

*************


Today is thinking. And it is a very long day.

And you realize that you DO really just want Chris to be happy. And you mean it. And you THOUGHT that you wanted that all along… but maybe you were looking at him too much like a lab rat or a guinea pig.

In the beginning, you weren’t trying to HURT him, but you did not have his best interests at the top of the list, just… sort of near the top. But all that stalking really paid off, because it made you SEE Chris. And even though you do not SEE all of him clear, you DO know a little bit, because you are SURE you SEE the ME-part of Chris peeking out from inside. And now the plan has changed.

Yesterday, you wondered if you could change the world. And you asked God for some help about Chris.

You explained that you did not want God to make him fall in love with you or do anything drastic so you could suck him into an evil plan or anything BAD.

You would just rather try the experiment out on a cute boy instead of an ugly girl—because it is easier to stay focused on a cute boy.

But you will try to remember the ugly girls next. And, they will be happier and less depressed about being ugly if you can introduce them to interesting guys, so it really would be better to try and get Chris on your side first.

But also, you are not OPPOSED to kissing or whatever if it should come up in the future. Just that, it is not your primary goal.

And sad, misfit people are too easy to befriend, so you would really like a good challenge, such as a cute, tall, popular guy. Because outcasts and losers are too close to being ME’s already. So, can’t God help you think of a plan, and can’t he help Chris to notice you a LITTLE?

But now the plan has changed. Because you can see him in there. And now you just want him to GET OUT!

Because you see him enough to love him a little bit, enough to care about him more than your game.

So, today, you pray FOR REAL. Just for Chris and not you at all, and you just ask God to make sure he is happy and becomes himself. And you ask if you can help. And you feel very calm. And you know for sure that something will happen tomorrow, and you tell God to help you say something good and not stupid.

And the next morning, you go to school, and suddenly, in 2nd hour Debate class, you feel like, kNOW it is TIME and you need to GO NOW! And you jump up and ask for a hall pass, and as soon as the door shuts behind you, you start running as fast as you can.

************

Today you ask to have a hall pass, but you don’t want to lie, so you say you are going to the bathroom, and so you tag the bathroom as you run by, so that it is not really a lie, but you only have a few minutes so you can’t actually waste time by going all the way inside.

And today is running, running, running.

And today is reaching the second floor of the school, and jumping up onto a bench.

And today is being thankful for the floor being completely empty, and also for the 30 seconds you get to catch your breath and compose yourself before a door opens and Chris walks in on you.

And you almost scream with delight, but you SMASH that joy down, just a little, because you need to be able to speak—and so it was very good that you saw him first and turned your face away, but kept your arms up like a plane, and now he has come to a dead stop in front of your bench.

And you DROP your expression, and TRY to appear calm-wide-eyed-thoughtful-dreamy-spacey- or whatever. And the 1st thing Chris says is, “How long have you been up there?”

And you HAVE to grin, you just can’t help it, because that is SO funny and you want to put your hands on your hips and yell, “AT LEAST TWO WHOLE WEEKS AND WHAT THE HECK TOOK YOU SO LONG TO PAY ATTENTION!!??”

… but of course you can not scream that in his face because that would be very counter-productive, and just scare him away, but you can’t contain the GRIN, and so you TRY to pay attention to the question and not laugh.

And you SEE that he just means how long have you been standing up on the bench, because you were walking in a circle on the bench with your arms open wide.

And you SEE that if you answer, “20 seconds,” he could get scared that you might have just run all the way there to meet him, which you DID, but if you even calmly say you were waiting for him, that could give much too flirty of an impression as well… and you realize you better say something quick or he will lose interest.

So you simply shrug. And smile. And say, “Because I am a plane.”

And Chris asks another question. And the question is, “Why are you a plane?”

And you SEE that THAT is the EXACT right next-question to KNOW!! Because you KNOW instantly and without thought to respond with, “Because I can fly!”

Chris: “Um… why can you fly?”

Amanda: I was born that way. I don’t know. But I KNOW I can fly. And planes fly. So, since I can fly, I must be a plane.

Chris: But why a plane?

Amanda(keeps walking in a circle): That’s just what I AM… I am a PLANE… I FLY… SEE?

Chris: But why are you a plane right here?
Amanda: I just am. Why, what’s wrong with here?

Chris: Well, why aren’t you in the AIR or something, if you are a PLANE?

Amanda: You mean, like, why don’t I take a bunch of people to Arizona or ship bananas or something?

Chris: Um… yeah. Why don’t you do that?

Amanda: Well. Because I am talking to you right now… I can ship bananas later.

Chris: But why do you want to talk to me right now?

Amanda: Well… don’t you consider yourself more interesting than a banana? I don’t know. Maybe you’re not. Maybe you are just a banana and I am just crazy. But even though I am crazy, I am also a plane, and so I feel confident that you must have a lot of potential as well, and so you must be higher up on the food chain too… because you DID start talking to ME, so there’s hope for you... so… do you want to be a plane too?

Chris: (laughs) Wow… that kind of made sense in a crazy way… sure. I guess so.

Amanda: Then just step up here, onto the bench, or onto that bench there, and you can be a plane too!

Chris: Um… I can’t . I’ve been out of class too long already. HEY! Why aren’t YOU in class??

Amanda(shrugs): I am being a plane instead.

Chris: Oh. Well, ok. Goodbye.

Amanda: Goodbye! (and you do let this smile have a little bit of flirt in it)

And Chris has made an excellent point about the time, and you DO need to be back in class. But the worry does not bother you yet because you are so excited about how well that conversation went, because WOW! That was a LOT of days packed into 5 minutes or however long it was…

And for RIGHT kNOW still, Chris is still the most important thing, and so you do not jump down and run back to class yet because you want to maintain the intrigue you have just built up, so you keep walking in a slow circle with your arms out, until you are SURE he is gone, and THEN you jump down and run as fast as you can back to class, and you HOPE he wonders how long you stayed up there after he left.

SEER (2nd Chris page)

Today you learn that your “I-AM-SO-HAPPY-JOY-PEEK!” smile, is not clear to other people and that, instead, they see something more like, “THAT-SCARY-NOT-ME-CRAZY-STUPID-FEAR-BAD-KNOW-NOT-YET-KILL-HATE-GIRL-IS-STARING-AT-US!”

…or whatever. But today you decide you just need to go with crazy.

Today you walk by Chris Palmer at lunch with your arms outstretched wide like your smile…

And today… still nothing.

But, TODAY, he notices and says, “Why are you doing that?”

And you face him directly. And pause carefully before you answer. (So he will remember the smile part later.) And you split-grin-smile and you GUSH out your mouth, “I AM A PLANE!”

And he just shakes his head and walks away.




...let your tongue drip down my neck.
razor taste buds chopping at my skin.
tiny chewing chainsaws.
i am smeared across your chin,
swallow pieces of me slowly.
thousands of tiny black fists.
rising up in a wave of thick-tar darkness.
crashing screaming knuckles against my skull.
help me.
wet indifference.
bubbles up from my center.
fighting to spill out my eyes.
i cage it violently with a smile.
too thick to leak between my teeth.
help me rip me tear me break me rape me cut me kick me hit me hate me.
slice me open, i don't care.
just touch me somehow.
i want to suck your insides out.
i want to put them in my mouth.

SEER (1st F-word page)

And when you start school, you don’t know what this “F-word” is that everyone keeps talking about, but you think you should find out because it sounds very important, and like you might be baby-dumb because you don’t know.

And later, when you try to be silly in an attempt to get more information, like, when someone brings up the F-word, you are dumb ON PURPOSE and in an exaggerated manner, and you roll your eyes and say, “Oh, yeah. That crazy F-word... ha ha! What’s the matter with you guys? Are you dumb babies? You don’t like Fun? What’s wrong with Fun? Freedom? Fantastical-Fruit-loops? Fabulous-Frogs? Frog eating Fruit-loops, and Fruit-loop eating Frogs? Gosh, you guys are boring.”

And this does work to some degree, because they jeer at you and say stuff like, “NOOOO! YOU are a dumb baby shit head because that is not F-words!”

And you interrupt, and point out that, um, YEAH, they ARE because they all start with F, duh, making them EXACTLY F-words. So, what, their F-word has the F in the middle? Like beFore? aFter? Yeah, THAT sounds sensible.

And they say, “F**K stupid girl, F**K is the F-word, girl! What kinda mamma you got anyway? Probably some stupid blond bitch that make you a lunch every day, shoot.”

But that is not actually very helpful, because you still do not know what this f**k-word is and what it MEANS, because you have never heard it before you start school. And so you just inform these hooligans that, NO your Mommy is NOT blond, she has dark BROWN hair, but YES she DOES make your lunch every day, because school lunch is gross.

And you have no idea how a WORD can be BAD... unless it is like a spell or magic or something and can actually kill someone with it’s power...

You know about RUDE, and how please and thanks are better than a grunt noise, even though they take more time, but RUDE is just not-polite, and BAD is wrong and evil and not-RIGHT.

And when you are maybe about 6, you are extremely traumatized by your mother and the F-word. You are in Arizona visiting your Grandparents, and there is a girl there for you to play with and she thinks she hears you say f**k, but you don’t, you say some other word, but she thinks you say f**k instead, and so that is how the subject comes up.

And so you ask her about this F-word and hope she will give you a straight answer, and she just tells you that her Mom will spank her butt if she says that word, but that’s all she will tell you, so you guess that she doesn’t know what it means either, and you are a little stunned by this because YOUR MOM has never told you to not say it, and so, you wonder why you don’t just say it all the time, and why your Mommy has never explained about f**k before...

And Grandma comes in and you ask HER about it, and she gives you a very excellent answer, because she is a lunch-lady in Arizona and makes food in the cafeteria, and she knows all about f**k, because the school kids in Arizona say it too!

And she explains that it is just RUDE! Just rude and not-nice! And a not-polite thing to say, so you feel hugely relieved and think that’s all there is to f**k, and so now you want to play some more Monopoly-board-game with your friend.

But Mommy disillusions you very quick, and storms in that room and furious yell-whispers at you! And says she is SO disappointed in you! And HOW could you be so BAD and EMBARRASS her like that in front of GRANDMA!!!

And you are very confused and the mommy does not speak to you for days and gives you the cold shoulder and the silent treatment because you are stupid and bad and evil and apparently there is more to F**K than you realized, and it must have magical evil powers after all.

And the entirety of the mommy’s explanation is this: “Because! Because! Just Because Amanda!! Boys think that they can take all the clothes off of girls that use that word!!”

Which confuses you even more, because, really mom! What kind of a f**king crazy answer is that? That is no f**king reason at all! And, in fact, is one of the f**king stupidest f**king things you will ever f**king hear, ever in your whole f**ked up f**k of a life.

And that is a Fact.

And it is not until HIGH SCHOOL, when you learn more about the Anglo-Saxons and linguistics and the origin of swear words and ideas about honor in your HISTORY classes, and also the idea of, like, ok, like, words, like, as like, FILLER words, like, you know? And how f**k is perfectly fine to say in England, but bloody is very bad, but you can say bloody all bloody day in bloody America and no one gives a f**k, but do NOT say it in England, like, ok?

But high school is still very far away when the f-word first happens to you, so it is very good luck that you find the book Catcher in the Rye when you are in 2nd or 3rd grade... because the main character in that book, Holden Caulfield, helps you figure LIFE out a lot.

For example, he swears LOTS, but also gets mad one time when he sees a “F**k You” written on a wall, and he erases it, because he doesn’t want his little sister to see it, and then he gets very depressed and mad, because there are SO MANY F**k-you’s in the world, he can not rub them all out, and he can not protect her.

And you are pretty young, like his sister, and he is very old, because he is a teenager already and all grown-up, and you feel sad for Holden because he is such a good guy, even though he swears a lot and even though he pays to have sex with a prostitute, but then chickens out and gets beat up by her pimp instead, but STILL he is so nice and you wish you could hug him and tell him thanks for erasing that ONE f**k-you, and even though f**k caught up to you anyway, you are glad he made the effort about that other one.

SEER (ponies)

The 1st journal, the one Mommy started for you, you write in sometimes, when you are 6-8 years old. Some pages you tear up later, like that one about the worst day of your life, and also ones that sound really silly and dumb, like about what boys you are in love with. But some of the pages are left, and here is a copy of one of the last entries...

So, as you can see, you were very into ponies.

So, 5-8yr old Amanda Joy... I want you to know that I am so sorry if there is no pony in your story...

Someday, there will be ponies.

But, if today is not then yet...

I want you to know, that I feel VERY sorry that you have no pony.

I also feel VERY, VERY sorry, if you also at this point, are starting to feel panic because there are also no ponies even close.

And, this time when your parents were telling you to stop asking for a pony, you realized they might not just mean NO, you can’t have a pony today, but NO, you can not ever, ever have a pony ever, until you have earned a million dollars and can go buy yourself a pony with your own money.

And you feel very afraid that they might really mean it.

DON’T WORRY! I know there will be a pony before this story is over… but I also know that it is very hard to feel hopeful about that right now when all the joy has just been crushed out of you.

Which, just proves how much you could really use that pony right now.

I know that you have been trying to get that pony for awhile, and if you have read a very excellent poem by a Mr. Shel Silverstein, about why parents need to give their children ponies, you may be feeling pretty betrayed by Mr. Silverstein right now.

(poem excerpt)

"Be quiet and stop nagging--You're not getting that pony."

And Abigail began to cry and said,"If I don't get that pony I'll die."

And her parents said, "You won't die.No child ever died yet from not getting a pony."

And Abigail felt so bad

That when she got home she went to bed,

And she couldn't eat,

And she couldn't sleep,

And her heart was broken,

And she DID die--

All because of a pony

That her parents wouldn't buy.

Because, you really thought he understood you, but if your parents will not listen to the poem, it does not matter that the poem perfectly explains your feelings about how you know you might die if you do not get a pony.

Because, your parents do not seem to care if you die, as long as you stop being melodramatic and learn that you can’t always have what you want when you want it.

Which, you already understand perfectly, because THAT just says you can’t have a pony now, but in a different way, and you ARE ALREADY AWARE OF THAT PART!

You did not just suddenly realize the pony was missing from this picture.

You would have no reason to question a pony that you had always had. And, if you already HAD the PONY, and would have no reason to OBTAIN said pony, and you already know the part about how you don’t have a pony right now.

And you are trying to learn HOW to get a pony TODAY and not in a million or 17 years because that is really far away, and you already know that waiting makes the reward better, but that is still a very long time to wait, and can’t you just have a very small pony that does not eat much, but could still poop a lot, and you could sell the poop because people put animal poop on their yards, but not dogs, just certain kinds, like hopefully ponies, but you are not sure because no one will answer that part for you right now!

And, so maybe the poem did not mean to be helpful either, because it certainly did not help you, so that was kind of mean, if the poem was just making fun of you, and maybe this Silverstein guy is really not on your side at all, and he was trying to gain your trust just so he could try to trick you into thinking that the pony is not really important because, well, I‘m not really sure why he would do that yet...

But, it seems like if he really wanted to help you, it would have been much more useful if he could have told you how to get your parents to listen to you better, because they could really use some work on that, because they keep saying things that have nothing to do with the subject, and you would really like to know how to help them with that, because you want the other parents to like them, so it would be really useful if you knew how to teach them better, because you are concerned that they do not see basic things...

like, if you had a million dollars already, you would already be smart enough to figure out how to get that pony yourself.

but you have no million dollars, and trying to think of how to get a million dollars, is just the same kind of question as how to get a pony.

so that answer just goes around in a circle, and does not give you any helpful info on how to escape the circle. Also, it would be good if your parents would get that you cannot stop being melodramatic, because that means you are a faker, and you are not faking, you are serious, so why do they keep telling you to stop something that you are not doing in the first place?

and, maybe you need to stop for a minute and think about all this, because this no pony situation might be serious and you need to think what you can try next to get your parents to understand the importance of a pony, like if this is a time for sneaky-ness, you need to think more about that part, because you will have to make sure sneaky-ness is ok to try, and I think it is, because it’s manipulative that you have to watch out for, which also means you are trying to get what you want out of people, but that way is the bad kind, but sneaky is ok sometimes if you are doing it for the person’s own good, and it is definitely in the best interest of your parents to hurry up and get you a pony because that would make you happy and they say they just want you to be happy and go away now, and that would accomplish both of those things exactly, and then everyone would be happy, even the pony.

Sweetie, i know EXACTLY how you feel.

and, 25yr old Amanda Joy? if you are still feeling sad and pony-less, i promise someday we are going to find that pony.

in fact, your pony is just around the corner!

(her name is Sagira and she turned out to be a Sphynx.)

SEER page..i've lost track. (2nd grade/line-leader epiphany/old writing/desire to erase it all.)

You write of lot of things in your life, but you do not keep most of them. As you get older, you think that the older writings are silly and stupid and babyish, and so you throw a lot of them away. In 6th and 7th grade, you write a lot of poems that rhyme, and have the same format, lots of couplets. But some of the scraps of notebook paper survived, and when you read your 6th grade self, it is crying the same cry as your 2nd grade self, and also as the 12th grade self, and the college one, and even after that too.

But in 6th grade, what you HEAR is that every kid thinks they are a great poet, and you suck just like all the rest of them, and stop being so melodramatic, and good poetry doesn’t even rhyme anymore anyway, and so… you listen, and you stop. But even if it WAS “tripe,” it was still YOUR tripe and YOUR truth and your life, and those other voices need to shut up.

And in 6th and 7th grade, the poems are titled WAR or FEAR, or another one-word title. Always one word for the title. (And at this time, when I am 28, I can not ever remember writing a single poem in my whole life that had a longer title, but I suppose it is possible.)

And your 7th grade voice writes these lines:

Rain
Small shrunken oceans slide down his cheek,
Restoring the yesterday’s linger and reek

Caked with mud, brittle and dry,
The eyelid recoils away from the eye

Fighting to stand in a world that knocks down,
They shove him into the gutter, in hopes that he’ll drown

They deny his existence, repulsed at the sight,
Quick! Blink away from this child of night.

…and

Nightmare
One drop of frozen happiness in a pool of rapid change,
Then whispered words of the unspeakable—all jumbled and deranged

The mottled darkness in the background declares it’s presence with strangled screams,
With teeth of icy terror, it shreds and tears apart your dreams

Drunken evil stumbles in, with it’s pocked and bloody face,
Raises innocence up to it’s lips and savors in the fleshy taste

Black rain robs imagination of it’s last gentle breath,
Sluiced down into the slimy muck, condemning it to death

Curved lightning dips and swirls in a pale-gray liquid sky,
Silenced by the roaring clouds, the voices cease to cry.


(You were in a Dean Koontz phase, and you stole all of his adjectives.)



And today, is a couple decades later.

And you cringe when you read those early poems, because you are still very hard on yourself, and can’t stand it when you feel silly and stupid. So you still feel a very strong urge to crumple up the paper, and ERASE! ERASE! ERASE!

Because why should you make allowances just because you were 12?

But today is not making allowances, so calm down, it is just about accepting your life, even all the parts that make you cringe to look at.

And today is trying to find the motivation to write another word, when you feel sulky in the knowledge that Amanda-in-ten-years is going to cringe at this....

And, too-day, is remembering that first day. when you had the can-never-escape-stupidness thought... and today is wondering how your life would be different if that thought had never infected your head to plague you...



And Today...

is that day. And you are in second grade.

And you are the line leader.

And you feel smug and prance-y about it. Because being the line-leader is a Very Big Deal. And you are basking in the fun of being in charge.

Your line is now passing by a line of Kindergartners going the opposite way, and you jut your chin in a most superior fashion, and think about what babies Kindergartners are. One girl has her dress caped around her head, and EVERYONE can see her underwear.

You are so much smarter than those babies.

And that is where the gloat chokes you, because next, you see some fifth graders.

And one looks at you.

And the look is very similar to the one you just gave the Kindergartners...

And you see that you look just as dumb to them!!!! And this is not a good thought. You realize that you will probably not be smart in 5th grade either, because there will just be more kids older than you. And you think about how you felt in pre-first, and you notice that at the time, you did not know you were stupid at all! In fact, you felt quite smart!

IN FACT, you felt almost EXACTLY the way you feel now.

And this thought is close to despair, because you realize that every moment you exist, no matter how good it is, it will at some point seem silly and pale in the future. And you will never ever EVER escape Kindergarten (even though you went to pre-first instead), you will still be stuck there forever, no matter how old and wrinkly you get, or even if you live to be a million, you will still be there, and every single moment of Present will always be weak and stupid, because the Past always is, and you can’t escape the Present becoming the Past.

You think that maybe if you could freeze time in a good moment, then you might be ok... but that does not seem likely, and the Future feels destined to shame you.

Seer page 14

TIME

After you quit being stupid and learn to read, you notice you are very stupid with time. Sometime around age 2-5, Mommy and Daddy and School and Church, ALL have clocks and time that confuse you, and all try to show you how to read a clock. A smart girl like you that could read at 1, should certainly be able to tell time, so stop being stupid and pay attention. But you never really master this skill. You never learn to like wearing a watch. And even when you are in high school, and in Spanish class, you do very poorly, because one of the first things you learn in Spanish is how to tell time in Spanish, and the test papers always have drawings of clocks, and only a few pictures of digital-clocks that just TELL you what the time is in ENGLISH. And no one will believe that a fourteen year old girl can’t tell time, and think that you must just not know the Spanish, and are making excuses. But actually, you are just stupid when it comes to clocks and telling time. And this is a very big theme throughout your life.

And before you are introduced to clocks, you are mostly always happy.

(And when you break all the clocks, you will be happy again.)


But today is not time yet, so today is: Mommy has a giant hourglass.

It is as big as you are, but still below Mommy’s hip. And you love to watch all that sand pour and pour, and flip over and pour again. Like a figure 8 that spins. You love to spin. Especially in the chair by the window, but you cracked your chin open doing that, and it bled a lot. But the hourglass is a nice, safe, spin, because it is so slow.

And I can stop time! Or at least the sand. But, when the sand stops, the second hand on the clock still ticks, and I don’t understand that. But I think if may be I was small enough to fit inside the hourglass completely, and I had the clock in my hand, like a wristwatch, I bet that watch WOULD stop. And also, I can not make time go backward when I flip it over, even if I do it very fast, or before it is all the way done. The time still just goes forward and not back and forth like a seesaw, like it should.

But you still think about the space INSIDE the glass, and if, IT is going backwards inside the glass, and only forwards on the outside where you are. And you suspect that other clock is getting in the way, but Mommy will not take the hourglass outside, and it is too big and heavy for you to carry by yourself.

Later she gets 2 smaller hourglasses. I like to play with them too, and I hope that Mommy will collect LOTS of hourglasses, but… she does not. And she seems to be bored of hourglasses now, so maybe it was just a phase, because now Mommy wants an Atlas statue instead of another hourglass. (But later, she will get a melted-looking clock like Dali drew, and you will love that almost as much as hourglasses.)

And here is the important thing to know about statues--- I am the statue of The Thinker. I sit. I ponder. (But Daddy says— No, that is Dobie Gillis’s statue, which is a character on an old black and white T.V. show called The many loves of Dobie Gillis that they play on Nick at Night, but for real… it is MINE too.) I rest my chin on my fist and THINK.

But not everyone has the same statue. And you can really learn a lot about someone by what statue they think of themselves as. Like Mommy, she likes the statue of Atlas. But NOT a triumphant or happy kind of Atlas—just the sad one of Atlas being crushed down by the heavy world on his shoulders, the one where he is struggling, and looks like his legs are going to give out any second, but they don’t, because he is a statue, so he is trapped and frozen in that last second of crushing pain. And Mommy says she LOVES that statue because Atlas looks exactly how Mommy feels, and you are in middle or high school when she tells you that last part, the WHY she loves Atlas, and it makes you feel very sad for Mommy.

And you think they should make Atlas with a removable world, so sometimes you could lift the world off, and turn him upside-down on his head, and let him do a handstand for a while… Or make an Atlas that twirls the world on one finger like a basketball… or something.

(And this is why you read Atlas Shrugged later in life, because it has such an interesting title, but in that book, Atlas shrugs with indifference or apathy or even hatred for the world, because he shrugs so that the world will FALL and DIE because he is tired of holding those stupid losers up.)

But back at 2-8 age, you are just thinking that Atlas is not in any real danger of being crushed, because the world is surrounded by so much SPACE, his legs would just be floating along behind the earth, because, what could he be standing ON? The Moon? An invisible planet? You don't think holding the world would be too much trouble with zero gravity to help you.

But. You DO worry that the earth will float away from Atlas...

and he will be left behind.

All alone. In all that space.

SEER-- drawing from High School era

SEER page 42

SALT

Today, I do not like Salt. I only like paprika. Mommy makes very excellent mashed potatoes, and she splashes beautiful RED paprika across the surface before she puts the bowl on the table. I like to scoop out the part that has drippy gold melts of butter and RED paprika SPLASH across all the white. I don’t know how long this day is or when it starts, but at first, Mommy would put the scoop on the plate for me, and now, sometimes I have to stop hogging all the butter and share.

And Today the radio plays Push It by Salt-N-Pepa all the day. And you love Salt-iN-Pepper! You think they have a great name. You have never considered salting your pepper, because you are not really a fan of pepper… but maybe that is because your pepper just needs SALT!!! But, you decide that Pepper, even salted Pepper, is not good all alone. However, SUGAR, is very different, and you like to eat that plain just fine.

When grown-ups say “AMANDA! You are A PILL!” …you agree and think you are probably a SUGAR pill and NOT the vitamin kind.

Today, we go to Joseph Smith’s house for dinner. Joe is Mommy’s professor at Law School. (Mommy graduates Law School when I am 7, so I was probably 6 at this dinner.) Joe is blind and has a guide dog. I already like Joe, because one time he gave Mommy a pack of stickers. The stickers were ALL purple circles, and he said he got it for her because she was so color-coordinated. And Mommy laughed and didn’t understand the joke, but I DID and thought Joe was very funny, and I was excited to meet him and his dog-eyes. And Joe’s wife makes HOMEMADE mashed potatoes, which sounds very yummy, because you love mashed potatoes… And since Joe is blind, he probably has a more developed sense of taste, because you know blind people sometimes have better sense after they lose their eyes. But the wife makes GROSS mashed potatoes. They are LUMPY and you like SMOOTH. And PLUS, no paprika. And PLUS, no golden river of butter! And you know your mother is a much better cook because she knows that instant potatoes from a can are much smoother, and therefore, BETTER. And you ask about Paprika, and there isn’t any, and Mommy probably gives you a LOOK to BE POLITE! And so you just use some salt, and you discover that SALT… DOES, in fact, help. And you feel sorry that Joe does not have a Mommy to make him really GOOD mashed potatoes, but maybe he can TASTE so well, that his (same) potatoes ARE good.

And later, you realize why people think, “salt of the earth” is a good thing to be. Because salt is pretty good.

And later, you notice that sometimes people forget salt all by itself is gross.
“...if I were blind, I would know what you are...”
—Schemendrick the Magician (when he greets the Last Unicorn)
And you SEE that you HEAR a different meaning in that than most people, just like most people can not see the unicorn in the movie and instead just see a white horse.

And I wonder what else I am missing by not being blind.

SEER page 40

…because TODAY, you SEE the Prism-Prison

SMASH!
(and SMASH! needs 10,000 more pages to be big enough to see how big the explosion was, but that would waste a lot of ink, so you need to stop and imagine it, because I do not have a paper that big anyway)

And the RAINBOW breaks out, and it is the most beautiful thing you have EVER SEEN.

SUN+GLASS+RAINBOW+DANCING+HAPPY-SCREAM!!

!!!!SCREAM-SMASH!!!!

and you can not speak. and you can not move. and you are FORCED to BE STILL by the power in front of you.

Because there is just so much LIGHT and so much JOY and so much so much that your brain WILL explode if there IS ANY MORE.

And you SEE a glimpse of WHY, MAY BE the WOW! and the dancing-joy-rainbow-song had to tone all of that down before you reached it, but also had to turn the volume louder for Mommy because also may be she would not have noticed otherwise, because you SEE that she is much less impressed that you are, even though she got to see MORE miracle.

And inside your head you hear the voice of King Haggard, from the Last-Unicorn-Movie, when he says:

“…they FILL me, with JOY…”

when he explains WHY he stole all those unicorns and put them in the sea, which is one sentence of why sometimes you love King Haggard the best, even though he is the BAD guy in the movie, because you know EXACTLY how he feels when he whispers that, and you long for a unicorn too, but the movie teaches you that unicorns are just not as good in a cage, even if the cage is as big as the whole ocean, because the BEST part is when the unicorns go FREE and spill out of the sea, and run and RUN and run back into the world, even though that part lasts for only a few seconds in the movie, it is the part that you watch the WHOLE movie FOR, because THAT is the good part.

And you remember how Mommy is a girl that really knows how to horde/hold onto a turtle.

And NOT so much a turtle-freer-sharer.

Mommy, in fact, is more of a CATCH-THOSE-UNICORNS!!! kind of person, quite a bit of the time. Just like King Haggard, but still nicer and prettier.

SEER page 39

...still

SEER page 38

Maybe Forever.

SEER page 37

Today, GOOD-Mommy gives me a present!

Present: Pre like baby or preemie. And sent by Mommy. And Pre… ZENT! Like, if you add a flourish or whip it out from behind your back, like Mommy does, so you remember that this is not birthday or Christmas day.

The name of the present sounds like PRIZZAM. (But later you learn it is spelled Prism.) And it is a small, triangle, piece of glass. And GOOD-Mommy explains that if you are careful, and can find the trick, you can see the rainbow inside, AND also, get the rainbow to come out of the glass. And GOOD-Mommy got the prism-present just for you for know reason! Just because she likes you! And she thought it was COOL! (like cool-interesting)

Prizzam: PRI like a PRIson, and also like an I AM is inside of the prison, and also ZZ like a trapped bee, buZZing and trying to escape. And the I AM part is a rainbow, and it is trying to escape the Prism-Prison.

And then Today is 2 to 5 years later. And you notice that 2 to 5 or 5-10 is how people say it when they get a prison sentence. And that a life-sentence means different amounts of time depending on what state the prison is in, and is not always the same as the lifespan of the prisoner. Which does not sound very fair, but Mommy says is TRUE regardless, and she knows because she is in Law School.

You think about how people’s Mommy and Daddies always cry about their kids being sent to prison, even when they admit their kid was BAD and did something WRONG, may be because Moms and Dads SEE how the SON and the I are trapped in the word prison, and they want to pry their kid out-apart because they want them to get I and SON and PRY and PRISON all straightened out and free again, instead of all tangled up and trapped in un-happy together.

But still Today, is only as far as you know that the sentence is 2-5 for the rainbow in prism.

And today, you have played and played with that prizzam(*line drawn through word, but blog format won't allow that) prism(*line also drawn through prism) Glass and tried and tried to coax that rainbow out. And sometimes in the 2 to 5, when you LOOK HARD, you can see a HINT of what MIGHT be a rainbow.

And some days, in the 2-5, this is the rest of the sentence:
…and I put a skittles next to the rainbow-glass to see if the rainbows will want to play together, since the rainbow-glass will not come out for just me yet, but I CAN taste the rainbow in the skittles, so I have decided to consult the skittles about how to play with rainbow-in-the-glass, and may be if I put them next to each other, and leave them alone, and then spy on them, I will catch both rainbows (the skittles and the prism) out playing…

Or Today… I tell Rainbow-glass that is does not have to do any tricks today if it is not up to it, because that’s ok, and I still like it anyway, and I still like for it to just sit in my window because I SEE that it at least wants to look out the window more than it wants to sit in a dark drawer, and I like to look out the window too.

And Today I add that I wish I could go play outside too, and tell Rainbow-glass that I will take it outside tomorrow. But since for today we have to play-inside, I will tell it about the solar system on the wall of my room that GOOD-Mommy pinned up near the ceiling. And I tell Rainbow-glass that it might want to consider a career as an astronaut, like I am, because then, the SPACE you get to PLAY in is pretty much unlimited, because it is also your JOB and so you get to work at playing in space all the time! And then Mommy walks into my room, and wants to know who I am talking to, and asks me very curious…

Mommy: What are you doing?

And I shrug and feel silly-awkward-baby-dumb and I say…

Amanda: I am just playing pretend.

Mommy (smiles): Oh! What are you pretending?

Amanda: Um… teacher, I guess.

Mommy: Oh. Who are you teaching?

Amanda: My room.

Mommy: You mean the TOYS in the room?

Amanda: Just… (shrug) my room. But, yeah, I guess the toys too.

Mommy: Oh. Ok… Well, I guess I’ll let you keep playing then?

Amanda (relieved): OK! Bye Mommy!

(But you didn’t really mean the toys so much… and MY ROOM and MY SPACE are common themes/problems in your story. Notice that farmer, astronaut, and horse trainer sound good to you—but never cop or fireman… at least, not until you are older and discover the book Fahrenheit 451, because THOSE fireman are a kind you have never heard of, and when you read that book you will have to re-think what you know about fireman, and re-consider your career options.)

BUT! Today, you are not that far yet, and it is still the 2-5 sentence.

And Today, you are somewhere in the house, but not in your ROOM… and… you hear Mommy SCREEEAM!!
From.

inside…

Your Room.

And you RUN as fast as you possible can.

But just as you ALMOST REACH the door to your room, Mommy cries out in sad-dismay-disappointment kind of noise.

Just like something has been horrible killed!

But Mommy looks ok… because now you SEE HER filling up the doorway.

And Mommy tells you that she is SO SORRY to disappoint you, and she is so sorry you just missed it… but… the thing is… there were just RAINBOWS all over your room, but they all stopped before you got here. (AND THEN) Mommy looks back in to the room, and says… (still disappointed sounding) well… I guess there is still just a speck left on that wall… but she wishes you had been here a couple seconds ago because…

(And this is where you SHOVE past Mommy into that ROOM NOW!)

Before you miss that last speck too!

WAIT!!!
WAIT! PLEASE!!!! RAINBOW-GLASS!
WAIT FOR ME!!!

…and you must be GOOD-dead in this part. Because you are SURE time stood still…

SEER page 31

Today one of your favorite foods is spaghetti-o’s in a can. You love the spaghetti-o’s with meatballs! And you are big enough now to open the can, dump them in a bowl, and warm them in the microwave, and eat them, all by yourself. And you like to make this delicious lunch for yourself quite often.

And today is saving meatballs. Just in case. Because meatballs are the best part. And you really don’t know WHY you want to save the meatballs yet, because what you really want is some kind of unicorn-bait to put in the yard so you can catch a unicorn. And you do not think unicorns are carnivorous, because horses are not. But you reason, that unicorns might be part LION, like their tails, and lions DO eat meat… so maybe unicorns DO like spaghetti-o’s or meatballs! And you think on this some more…

And Today, you get caught with a paper napkin full of cold meatballs, with the sauce licked off, walking out the door. And a puzzled and amused Daddy stops you, because he sees you take the meatball pile out of the microwave, where you had left it, (because bugs can’t get into either the microwave or the refrigerator when it is shut, but they CAN get to food ANYWHERE else) and you are asked to explain (to Daddy) just what it is you think you are doing?!

And you are pretty nonplussed about what he means, so you just answer,
“They are messier with the sauce on.”

Daddy: But… are those meatballs? And also, aren’t you going to turn the microwave ON before you take them out?

Amanda: Oh, no. They are easier to carry cold.

Daddy now starts to sound annoyed or perplexed.

Daddy: But… WHY DO YOU WANT COLD MEATBALLS??

I start to get nervous.

Amanda: Well, I don’t know, I guess first I liked hot best, but then I found out cold are good too, at least I like them cold anyway, and plus easier to carry, because hot rips the napkin and won’t carry as many, and is it ok if I go outside now?

Daddy: Well, SURE! I guess… go on outside then.

And he shakes his head, but not like he is angry or like you have done anything BAD, so you shrug too, and go out the back door of grandmother’s house, which is your house too at the time because you live there today… And you find that you need to eat a couple of the meatballs, so you can free one hand, to be able to turn the doorknob and open the door. And you wish you could open the door with your feet, and think you should work on developing that skill… just in case, next time your hands are full of meatballs again...

SEER page 29

Every day in Pre-first that it is time to play DRAW now, you WATCH Patrick very close. Because you keep hearing about how Patrick is the stupidest one in the class. Even TEACHERS whisper about it! Because you know that when they call him Patrick-is-SLOW they are trying to say STUPID-Patrick in a nice way.

And YOU SEE that Patrick never ever will play-draw house or play-draw tree or play-draw ANYTHING at all but stick people. Just STICK PEOPLE. ALL DRAW DAY LONG. Like this:


And I get very fascinated with paTRICK and his TRICK people!

I see that Patrick does not listen to all the kids at the table who say he is stupid and that his stick people are crazy-crack-baby-heads, and that stick people should have arms and necks, for instance, and not just LEGS sprouting right out of HEADS.

I see that Patrick looks pretty content. May be even Happy. He still likes his stick people even if they are stupid. And I decide, NOT to throw a crayon at Patrick like the other boy just did, but instead,

I CHOOSE…

ASK PATRICK.

And this next part is not all EXACT word for word, but GIST the important parts.

Amanda: um… Why do the legs come out of the heads?
(I’m not sure if Patrick looks up yet, or just keeps drawing.)

Patrick: Because. That is where their legs ARE.

(And this makes LOTS of sense! So I get very excited, and smile big, and start to squeal and laugh!)

Patrick: (does a little frown)

(Oh-no! He thinks I am laughing AT HIM, I must talk more so he understands I am not! I am laughing at myself and all the other kids and even TEACHERS that have missed this very obvious and excellent point! We all thought PATRICK was the slow-one!!! Oh-my! How funny that WE are SLOW and HE is the GENIUS!!!!)

Amanda: KNOW! KNOW-NO! I SEE it now! I SEE I SEE! I see (gasp for air) why they just have legs and heads! But, what do you DO when they have to pick something UP????

(And I am breathless with anticipation!)

Patrick: How big?

Amanda: What??

(Patrick is very patient, even though this girl is pretty slow, and he looks right at Amanda now, for SURE in this part)

Patrick: HOW BIG? Like, is it something they can pick up with teeth?

(And I look closer at the picture…)
Amanda: Like that guy! How did he put his hat on????

(Patrick looks at Amanda like she is SLOW, as in, mentally retarded, but does not laugh at her and is STILL kind, just a little shocked)

Patrick: He came with the hat.

Amanda: HE CAME WITH THE HAT!!!! OH!!!!! (Amanda is bouncing in the seat now.) BUT!!! WHAT IF HE WANTS TO TAKE THE HAT OFF!!!

Patrick: Why?

Amanda: WHO CARES WHY? HOW IS HE GOING TO GET THAT HAT OFF????!!!!!!!!!

Patrick (grins) : I guess... I guess he would bounce it off! Or get that other one to take it off with his teeth!

Amanda: OH! But… what if the other one is not tall enough? Or if it is stuck down too-tight on his head and won’t bounce off good?? What if he is all alone? What will he DO????

(And now Patrick stares down at the picture….)And Patrick draws a Miracle.
Patrick: There! Now he will always be ok!


And now, HAT-MAN has FEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amanda: BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But that might have been the wrong word to yell. Because even though you and Patrick are best friends and so happy and laughing so hard, and now Patrick is seeing if he can DRAW without ARMS, because you have pointed out that it is VERY unfair to draw armless stick people, when you yourself have arms AND hands and so Patrick is going NUTS with his teeth and his feet, but his shoes are in the way, which is WHY he had to use ARMS in the first place to DRAW anyway, and you are BOTH trying to find out WHY or WHEN ANYONE ever, ever, actually NEEDS an arm ever, and where is the point at which arms are REAL essential? And WHAT IF one arm? And WHAT IF three? And what if you just roll-play on the ground, and are only a head? Or one eye? Or an eye and a tooth? AND THIS IS TOO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!!!!

And TOO MUCH FUN!

…is usually when someone feels compelled to stop you.

Which is what happens next.

Because you don’t get why everyone says, “What-if?” is a baby game and SO STUPID and POINTLESS! Because you think it is pretty FUN! And you are so pleased to learn Patrick is secretly a genius undercover. And you just KNOW that Patrick could rival Picasso, or at least Matisse, if he is just allowed to get to his toes NOW!

But he is not allowed.

Because everyone in the classroom is looking your way. And some of them are looking very surprised, because may be they have never even heard Patrick laugh or even talk. And some of them look dumbfounded or may be shocked. And, apparently, you are not learning properly, because it is TIME to BE QUIET and DRAW now!

So you be very quiet, but also tiptoe over to the teacher and try to explain that Patrick is SMART-Patrick, and not slow at all, and is in the wrong class, and needs to be in the smart-gifted-special-class like you get to go to twice a week, because Patrick is the smartest person you have met at this school EVER, or at least so far, and that is including TEACHERS!!! Can you believe it?

But the teacher does NOT believe it. And you have to GO SIT DOWN and BE QUIET NOW!!! And you start to panic, because you don’t want her to be MAD, and you whisper in DESPERATION!!
…but! but there is a REASON for the no-arms!!!

But that is ENOUGH! AMANDA! DO YOU WANT A TIME-OUT????

And when you say yes, please, you would love some time-out to explain, the teacher sighs and says, no, not that kind of time-out, the punishment kind, and you do not really see how TIME-out is a punishment, because Mommy and Daddy have never made you be punished that way, but you remember that time-out is code for when teachers actually mean time-to-sit-in-the-front-and-feel-shame-and-learn-embarrassed because the other kids are allowed to smirk and laugh at you. So you sigh and give up. And you go back and sit down. But you smile at Patrick, and may be wave at him a little. And he may be waves back with his foot, or he could have just been trying to put his feet behind his head. But you two are too BAD still, so you can’t sit at the same table.

And it was ok to talk to Patrick when he was at your table, but you can’t talk to him so much now, and the other kids don’t believe that Patrick is smart, they instead think YOU are NOT SMART and YOU are STUPID too.

And this next part is very, very, bad.

Because you choose WRONG.

At the time, you think there are only 2 choices, and the choices are:
1. Choose-Patrick
2. Choose-Be-Smart

Because you do not SEE the WRONG yet, and that Patrick and Be-Smart IS the same, and that Patrick AND Be-Smart is ONE choice, not 2 opposing ones.

But… you were only 5 that day, and even though you chose wrong and stupid, you were try-do-try-best-do-can-see. And you wanted to be smart so much that you chose it OVER Patrick that day, but may be that does not make you BAD, because you were trying to be good, and did not screw up on purpose. The problem is, you think the adults and the world must be smarter and must know more than you do, and so you LISTEN to them.

But when you ARE be what you have, you ARE being have, and you ARE behaving, but most people use behave to mean “obey ME instead!” and NOT be what you have at all, and so this can be confusing, when you hear “behave!” all the time and you ARE!

I am behave! I behave! (MIS-behave is an intentional-bad, and you are NOT bad by intention.)

But what you see then, is that people either speak wrong or you are broken, and so you try to see and learn how you are wrong and NOT really hearing, “oh-no! Be ME in your stead! instead!” from all the adults around you.

And today you have not forgotten about Snails, but... you are very angry. They won’t get off the sidewalk, no matter how far you put them back in the grass, and you keep stepping on them or running them over with your bike, no matter how much you try not to. And they make a HORRIBLE CRUNCH noise that you HATE. And you HATE that they are making you feel guilty, and it is their own stupid fault you keep killing them. And you HATE snails, you HATE them. And you pick one up and throw it as hard as you can at the wall of your house, and the crunch makes you cry and you feel horrible and you HATE yourself.

But you meet a lizard, and it makes you feel better, because if you are too rough when you catch lizards, you will snap their tails off, and the tails will bleed and wave horribly around in the air, BUT the tails always grow BACK, so you do not have to feel very bad about it. Just a little bad for the sting of pain, but not BAD for KILLING anything. It’s just the same as when you cut off a fingernail, except you don’t bleed then. And there are so many lizards, you can make a new friend each day. Which is a little sad, but when you put lizards in a glass jar, even with grass and bugs and holes punched to breathe, you can’t keep them for more than a day or two, or they WILL die. So, you just catch some each day and sometimes you catch the SAME ones a lot, and that is happy, and then they get used to you, and will sit on your shoulder for short periods of time, because they learn you will chase and catch them if they run, but if they are nice, you feel bad for them and let them get back to playing quicker. And sometimes, in very rare cases, one will let you feed it a bug, and not run when you pet it, and stretch it’s head out to you. And if they bite your ears or your hair you talk soft and tell them it’s ok, because lizard bites don’t hurt anyway, and you want them to like you. But you mostly like the baby lizards or the medium ones which you think are the girls… because the biggest lizards, which you think are the boys, have a red flap of skin that expands when they breathe out, and they also hiss at you, and so you are a little afraid of them. And the good thing about lizards is that they are so fast, they run away from feet and don’t let people step on them. But the bad thing about being friends with the lizards in your yard, is that one time, a lizard you were very good friends with, did NOT run away from you, because he trusted you, and you were BAD and DID step on him, but it was ok, because you prayed VERY HARD to GOD that the lizard would NOT DIE, because God could just not kill him for trusting you, and you told God that you knew Jesus was may be just for man-kind and not for lizard-kind and you did not want to be sacrilegious, but you did not want the lizard to die, and you begged God to just hurt you instead and make the lizard ok and help the lizard to forgive you… and the lizard DID make up with you and DID run off and play in the grass, and you KNEW he was alright, and you were so relieved, because you could have sworn you had crushed his stomach, and he wasn’t breathing right, but may be he was just in shock or something (like mommy said), or may be just God is a big lizard fan and loves them too and made the lizard better (like I say).

And today, in pre-first, you look up.

And Patrick has ARMS on every person in his pictures now. But ALL of them are dead like this:

And you KNOW and you SEE that Patrick is DYING.

And you close your eyes and put your head down.

And you are ashamed. And you may be cry some.

But you do not look up at Patrick anymore.

Because it is easier to hide tears when your head looks down.

And you are MEAN to Patrick after that. Because you think he should see how to hide better so you could still be friends in secret. But Patrick does not pick up on this, and just sees and thinks that you HATE him for REAL. Which is now true. Even though you did not mean to end up at HATE.

(again.)
And for the next 20 years—you spend a lot of time being very mixed up in life.

SEER page 179

TV at 3am is not all infomercials and The Nanny reruns... You flip through forensic shows, crime dramas, serial killer documentaries...

And you remember that you are already a killer.

A serial-killer.

A serial-snail-killer.

Because you did not stop after just one snail.

SEER page 28

and time goes black...

(audio clip on youtube.com/seerseeher)

SEER page 24

Or today:

You wonder how the snails get out. You see that there are lots of EMPTY shells in the yard, and also big snails and little snails. So at first, you think the unicorn-snails grow up and move into the empty BIG shells. And you don’t know WHY the big snails move out, because you don’t see any shells that are bigger for them to move into. But you play with snails for a long time and collect lots of the empty shells, and put them by smaller snails in case they need to move, or just want to move into a different color house, because white is so pretty, and most of the empty shells are white. And one time you ask an adult if the Unicorn-snails get big and use the empty shells you leave out for them. But they laugh and say NO, because they are like a different animal, because they are different species of snails. And one time, you notice that you have never seen a BIG snail in a white house, only in brown houses, and you wonder about snail-death, and if it hurts, and WHY is the SHELL still in your yard if the snail is somewhere else, and if the snail is dead, then why doesn’t the shell disappear too? And you don’t WORRY about this too much, you are just very curious.

And then, you think of SLUGS.

But you have never seen a slug, only snails and empty snail shells. So you hope, that may be SLUGS are some of the SNAILS that got too big for the shell and ESCAPED!!!

And at this time, you feel very excited and curious and smart for thinking of this. But at another time, you will just feel stupid and ignorant.

Like this day:

Amanda is playing outside... (and the page goes black)

SEER page 22

Or today:

More PLAY with CLAW on the slide! And you see that CLAW wants to be outside the shell almost all the time now. But you do not think it would be a good idea to break his shell open for him, because you see that it might kill him if you try to help.

And for just a second, you wonder how the snails get out.

So you just PLAY and slide, and swing, but not too much swing, because you hate actually SWINGING back and forth. And you never got the knack of jumping off in the air like some kids can do. You just like to twist the chain up tight and then un-spin, but CLAW does not like either way. In fact, what CLAW loves the most, is PLAY with the GRASS. He sure loves that grass next to the slide. But he gets going pretty quick when he is happy and having a good time, so you have to keep a close eye on him, so he won’t get lost. But you can get away with ONE slide down on your stomach before he gets too far away, just like that day the picture was taken, and in fact, that may be the EXACT day you remember, but it might be the day after too, because there were lots of days with the slide and with CLAW.

SEER page 17-20

*All I have is a cheap and CRAPPY digital camera. But I wanted to read aloud some parts of SEER because some things work better on paper and some work better aloud. So I am just playing around with it.

Pages 17-20 can be heard on YouTube.

youtube.com/SeerSeeHer