Angry sleeping. Homicidal ideation. and Mental music videos.

I woke up in fists. Hands and feet, right and left. Left-hand is the most angry though. If this were a book, that would be important. People in books rarely notice irrelevant information. Sadly, this is not a book, and most of my passing curiosities will never be explained, or useful in figuring out who murdered whom.

Though, if I were in a book it would not be a Mystery novel, because I hate those, and, really, who would be a murderer in my own book besides ME?

(Damn. I just realized I had a FT a minute ago. It took me three tries to spell important. Impotent kept getting mixed in... Much to my chagrin, my left fist has now relaxed, now that I have acknowledged it's feelings. Blah. Fine! Mr. Left-Fist, i am listening now. Yeah, yeah, it's important that you feel impotent, having no control makes me angry. Helpless. You, as the left fist, are the most angry- since you are the non-dominant hand, and so you feel even more impotent than the right. Grrr! If you weren't the hand I'd slap you! This is SO not where i was going with this blog... and now my beginning is all wrong, since i DID figure out the point of the Left-fist thing...)

Ah. Well, I guess you can see my problem with Mystery novels.

Robin Williams, in the voice of the genie in Aladdin, says Well, I feel sheepish in an attempt to get us back on track.

You see, that movie, Aladdin, was on in the waiting room of the plasma place, which is where I last had an internal-rage-tantrum.

Garret was donating plasma, and he took me with him. I read in the car for the first two hours, but then the sun went down, and it was too cold to stay in the car. I tried. So I went in and got the spot in the corner with my back to a wall. It was loud and tense, but I was doing okay. Trying to think about other things, trying to read my book, and I calmed down a bit.

But then this girl had a death wish.

Because there were literally dozens of empty seats, and she wanted to press in right on top of me. Standing up! With her foot on the chair RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

I stared at her a little. But she wouldn't go away. And my body was vibrating with adrenaline, and sitting in that cold wash of rage that floods my blood. And she wouldn't go away.

And I got very angry.

I finally stomped up and across the room from her, and I hated myself with every step. She challenged me, she threatened me, and I was a coward. I didn't twist my fingers into her hair and slam it into the wall, I didn't punch her in the face, I didn't stab a pencil into her neck. I wasn't even brave enough to yell at her, to tell her to get out of my space.

I was afraid. There were a lot of other people in the room. They would have attacked me, stopped me. I am a weak and cowardly person. Oh, and also a bully, because I am not sure what I would have done if there had been no witnesses. I probably would have still been a baby, but the likelihood of fighting her would have definitely gone up if she was alone.

So I just stared at her, and got lightheaded.

Garret finally came out and we went to the car. And I screamed at amanda some more, and tried to shame her into action, but she was still weak.

Garret put music on for me, which was a rare thing, since he doesn't like music. First he made the mistake of trying to tell me it was reasonable to not want to be put in jail, but he must have noticed reason was not the best way to calm me down.

Luckily, Jack off Jill was in the CD player, and it is excellent music to set homicidal fantasies to.

(Can't find just the song on YouTube, not without a bunch of stupid pictures. It doesn't look right if you watch-- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJaPcdRGc-o )

I listened to it on repeat a zillion times.

For homicidal ideation to be a successful deterrent to actual homicide, it helps to really immerse yourself in the fantasy. My brain is not easily tricked into this though. It knows that girl is not really dead and still wants to go kill her.

But I have a nice mental-music-video made up. And it is soothing to watch. There is a duality in this song that helps me, appeals to me. The chorus is- Drown drown drown myself, drown drown, drown myself.

I have to drown myself inside myself quite a lot. Most of amanda is not fit for human consumption, and i have to keep her locked away. i drown her, shove her down, smother her under the surface... this song knows the secret of that, and the trick of it.

You must promise-- shhh. not now, not now, someday. someday, someday when I am queen you can... and of course the best part of the music video in my head is when the RAGE finally gets to stab back with each drumbeat, and the ocean gets turned inside out, and the drowning is literal because of all the other people's blood.


Hush, baby.... Hush, baby.... Hush baby, go (back) to sleep.

GUESS...

NO.

she screams, she screams, she screams. amanda hates people. amanda hates guessing. amanda hates the word GUESS, and people who want her to guess, and people who say "guess what..." and don't ever complete the thought until 5 minutes later, and amanda* hopes serial killers find these people and slowly kill them, and revive them, and them kill them again, and that the nice serial killer will grin at them and say... GUESS what I am going to do to you next....

because THEN i bet they would get to feel what it is like to have your brain not shut off.

like amanda, when someone annoyingly says, guess what i saw when i opened the refrigerator...

and her brain starts to yell at her...

mold! mouse! cheese! milk! eggs! light! cold! ketchup! mustard! mayo! dead-guy! brain! tongue! roast! fish! chicken! money! phone! sandwich! butter! juice! orange! celery! lettuce! leftover-gravy...

all too-fast, too-fast and panicky because she does not know. and she does not like to not-know.

and the yelling does not stop until the sadist says... nothing.

which is extra upsetting because her brain had not thought of that answer yet.

i don't want to guess. i don't want to have to run through all the possibilities. and if someone says guess, that is what i have to do. if they don't just TELL me, i have to think of every possibility before it is safe to let that thought go.

and even then, amanda can't really be SURE she has though of everything, and she might have to wake up 2 weeks later, thinking MEATLOAF! because she left it off the list.

so.

i want that nice serial killer to find them.

and smile at them.

and say- guess what happens next.

and see if they can NOT-think about it.

jerks.

(*freudian typed my own name as aMADa four times before i noticed and could then spell it amanda. plus, kept spelling brain as bain.)

Fear. Anger. Quitting.

My heart is racing, I'm shaking & dizzy. It's like a weird, in-between panic attack. I'm not gasping for air or having chest pains like a full-blown panic attack-- just shaking, shaking.

I'm afraid 100% of the time, and since I hate that, I end up angry 100% of the time, since anger is slightly better.

Online people ought to be safer. They aren't as real. They're nicely two-dimensional. I get just as angry and afraid from online confrontation though.

Garret always asks me just what exactly it is that I think people are going to do... I don't know.

I just hate this sick, awful feeling. And I can't stand very much of it. So I quit most things. Because most things deal with people. And people cause it.

I am often afraid that I'm going to be a serial killer. When I think about people dying and screaming, I feel calmer. Soothed. It makes me laugh. Makes the anger and the panic stop.

Symmetry

Symmetry. I think about symmetry a lot, because i am not very symmetrical. Well, sure, maybe in an OCD way... but i mean literally. (don't i always?)

i know most people have one slightly bigger side of their body, which they only notice when they have to buy shoes or a bra... but the left side of my body irritates me more often than that. my left leg is longer than the other one and i walk weird, but people don't notice. "people never notice anything."

anyway, i have been thinking a lot about my 3rd grade science project, which was about the halves of the brain. and the visual object lesson was several pictures of faces in the middle of the board, and a small mirror... and people were supposed to put the mirror up to the mid-line of the face so that you could see what a person would look like with 2 left halves of their face, or 2 right halves. perfect symmetry.

now, the point of my science project wasn't supposed to have anything to do with this next part, but this next part is what i remember best...

one of the pictures i had was of ted bundy. (yes, we had an extra picture of ted bundy lying around in the garage.) and the others were just of neighbors or people from church who let me take their picture.

so, the guy who seemed like normal-happy-church-guy looked fine both ways. 2 rights or 2 lefts... he looked about the same. still nice and happy either way. but ted bundy was rather more dramatic. if you doubled his face one way, he looked normal. and when doubled the other way he looked evil and psycho. i mean, it was shockingly noticeable, and many kids and adults commented on this fact, not just me.

so, i don't really know where i am going with this, but i thought about this a lot later on-- like when you learn how humans are attracted to symmetry, and how we instinctively know that symmetry means healthier and more genetically viable.

when i did the mirror thing and saw the 2 Ted Bundys... i asked if that meant there was a nice Ted was trapped inside the brain with the other one... but i heard back, "No. He is all bad now."

But i still worried about it.

i'm not incapable like a stroke victim or anything... But, i only use half of my face to make expressions.