in the two places at once. tyler isn't here. tyler went away. tyler's gone. but in disassociated-manda-land, ALL the magic is in the breakdown, baby.
not a genius, just a genie-- poof i'm gone.
6/13/08
Sage Francis. A healthy distrust of sea lions...
i don't have a very large music repertoire. when i like something, i listen to it for months sometimes... so the same few songs can keep me interested for years.
today is sage francis on repeat.
mental-music-video, over and over... that haunting melody of sea-lion, that so captures that trudging numbness i hear all the time, the what? huh? why-should-singer-care part that i just want to lie down and drown in, that takes so much effort to pull away from.
building the same sand-castle over and over. watching it melt into the sea over and over. firing into the sand, nothing tangible to shoot down...
so many times i have heard it... and the girl's voice at the beginning still startles me sometimes, it sounds to me so like my own, i'm always disconcerted. how did i get into the song? wait. where am i? who is where and which is real...
my wooden arms are too tired to pull off the armor. too tired to remember why i should care. but Being only among songs is not where i want to BE, only where i am.
today is sage francis on repeat.
mental-music-video, over and over... that haunting melody of sea-lion, that so captures that trudging numbness i hear all the time, the what? huh? why-should-singer-care part that i just want to lie down and drown in, that takes so much effort to pull away from.
building the same sand-castle over and over. watching it melt into the sea over and over. firing into the sand, nothing tangible to shoot down...
so many times i have heard it... and the girl's voice at the beginning still startles me sometimes, it sounds to me so like my own, i'm always disconcerted. how did i get into the song? wait. where am i? who is where and which is real...
my wooden arms are too tired to pull off the armor. too tired to remember why i should care. but Being only among songs is not where i want to BE, only where i am.
6/9/08
Another shower
Maybe the emotion is leaking from my head and affecting the physical world. I was just in the shower, thinking, and the shower-head kind of exploded and gushed sideways and loud. The startle of it almost made me cry. But I didn't. But almost. And then when i picked up the shampoo, tried to pour it into my hand, i almost missed because my hand was shaking so. But i didn't miss. But almost. Sometimes i think i am all calmed down, and then i will notice how i can barely hold a towel, how i don't feel the weak and shaky until i see the towel shake.
i am racing and racing, my thoughts are pacing. i am egg. i am fragile. i am so full of thoughts and talking. Poor little caged thoughts.
i spoke to someone yesterday. they said-- i am a quiet person.
and i said-- why?
because i really wanted to know. because i wanted there to be a REASON.
but all they said back was-- because i just am.
which was not a very exciting or dramatic response. and i tried to pretend a bit, that there might be more to it, because of course, if you are quiet, and then you give a long-winded explanation as to why that is so, well, that is not very quiet. but i do not think they said "because i just am" to be ironic or funny, i think that was just the end of the story. which was disappointing.
all the real-life people i know are still imaginary in every other sense.
who are you?
i am racing and racing, my thoughts are pacing. i am egg. i am fragile. i am so full of thoughts and talking. Poor little caged thoughts.
i spoke to someone yesterday. they said-- i am a quiet person.
and i said-- why?
because i really wanted to know. because i wanted there to be a REASON.
but all they said back was-- because i just am.
which was not a very exciting or dramatic response. and i tried to pretend a bit, that there might be more to it, because of course, if you are quiet, and then you give a long-winded explanation as to why that is so, well, that is not very quiet. but i do not think they said "because i just am" to be ironic or funny, i think that was just the end of the story. which was disappointing.
all the real-life people i know are still imaginary in every other sense.
who are you?
6/8/08
Showers
A semblance of a dremblence of a trembling, dreaming, dead. Assemblence of remembrance, of a deadened teeming head. Dead-end dreaming, alone not team-ing. Seeming, seaming, almost meaning, almost meaning, at the cusp of MEANING, but no such gleaning ever quite, ever quite...
I have a lot of conversations in the shower. Oh wait, sense and order. Um, yes, lets post the email first then get to the postscript...
i think of W. writing down that he wanted a popcorn snack. if i hadn't had reading so early, i think my life would have been so much different. i wouldn't have had a way to understand and connect and communicate with the humans. when the kids have tantrums, i wish they could write it down, tell me they want a popcorn snack... when i am angry, writing is so much closer to reach than spoken words.
i've been thinking how all my interactions read like a scrip. (you know how i imagine conversations with people and how they might go.) i wouldn't actually explain it to the people at the school, since that would be too much talking about myself, but i pretend that maybe we'd become friends in the future, or a conversation would come up where i could ask and explain and compare/contrast my way with theirs, because maybe theirs is the same?
my notice of things is heightened at the school. how i do all those little things that people do without noticing, like breathing, blinking. when i say hello to someone-- it is: person approaching, should acknowledge, crap, relax, make eye contact, smile, say hello, they asked me something... laugh, cock head to the side, grin, say yeah, roll eyes, look amused...
i think about all my affectation. the grin and roll eyes. i play it all out like i think i'm supposed to, and i wonder a lot if other people hear all that stuff in their head or if it really just comes naturally, unthinkingly. i match my behavior, responses, to scripts i know-- books i've read, tv i've seen.
So i wrote that to someone this morning. Just took a shower. I have lots of conversations in the shower. In-my-head-conversations, not actual conversations of course, I am not that kind of movie. One reason I don't write more often, is that, sadly, I don't have a lot of new thoughts. I like to think about the same things over and over. I am stuck on this script thought. Hopefully writing it down (again) will "get it out of my system" a little.
I have heard that it's "a girl thing" to act out conversations internally. Any girls out there care to comment? I spend an awful lot of time on just one sentence. Playing it over and over. How much smile? How much laugh? This way? This way? And when i get it "RIGHT" I like to keep playing it over, because it makes me feel calm to know i have it perfect, and i feel so witty and clever when i get a conversation, or part of a conversation just right, i like to just keep having it over and over and clapping with delight at myself.
Sigh. Self-depreciating grin. Except, i don't really FEEL self-depreciating. I FEEL yay-yay-lets-do-it-again!!! But I also feel somewhat obligated to make some, "I am such a dork" type comment, because that's what humans do.... YAY YAY AGAIN! ;p
I have a lot of conversations in the shower. Oh wait, sense and order. Um, yes, lets post the email first then get to the postscript...
i think of W. writing down that he wanted a popcorn snack. if i hadn't had reading so early, i think my life would have been so much different. i wouldn't have had a way to understand and connect and communicate with the humans. when the kids have tantrums, i wish they could write it down, tell me they want a popcorn snack... when i am angry, writing is so much closer to reach than spoken words.
i've been thinking how all my interactions read like a scrip. (you know how i imagine conversations with people and how they might go.) i wouldn't actually explain it to the people at the school, since that would be too much talking about myself, but i pretend that maybe we'd become friends in the future, or a conversation would come up where i could ask and explain and compare/contrast my way with theirs, because maybe theirs is the same?
my notice of things is heightened at the school. how i do all those little things that people do without noticing, like breathing, blinking. when i say hello to someone-- it is: person approaching, should acknowledge, crap, relax, make eye contact, smile, say hello, they asked me something... laugh, cock head to the side, grin, say yeah, roll eyes, look amused...
i think about all my affectation. the grin and roll eyes. i play it all out like i think i'm supposed to, and i wonder a lot if other people hear all that stuff in their head or if it really just comes naturally, unthinkingly. i match my behavior, responses, to scripts i know-- books i've read, tv i've seen.
So i wrote that to someone this morning. Just took a shower. I have lots of conversations in the shower. In-my-head-conversations, not actual conversations of course, I am not that kind of movie. One reason I don't write more often, is that, sadly, I don't have a lot of new thoughts. I like to think about the same things over and over. I am stuck on this script thought. Hopefully writing it down (again) will "get it out of my system" a little.
I have heard that it's "a girl thing" to act out conversations internally. Any girls out there care to comment? I spend an awful lot of time on just one sentence. Playing it over and over. How much smile? How much laugh? This way? This way? And when i get it "RIGHT" I like to keep playing it over, because it makes me feel calm to know i have it perfect, and i feel so witty and clever when i get a conversation, or part of a conversation just right, i like to just keep having it over and over and clapping with delight at myself.
Sigh. Self-depreciating grin. Except, i don't really FEEL self-depreciating. I FEEL yay-yay-lets-do-it-again!!! But I also feel somewhat obligated to make some, "I am such a dork" type comment, because that's what humans do.... YAY YAY AGAIN! ;p
5/17/08
Skipping stones... swimming in sink
i am wish-to-talk-but-have-no-beginning. oh-my, oh-my, who ate my pie. i am at the top of a mountain, about to fall downhill. it is a day for appreciation and resentment. i feel right now that humans are likable and nice and i want to play with them... but i am no-verbal and slow-verbal and hi-gerbil today.
i can't talk properly to people i like. people in a specific function, are easy-- like store clerks & librarians. polite voice, smile, smile, fake as needed. but chit-chat is so much harder with people i do not hate. feels like lying. and i hate lying. so mostly i am awkward and silent and "quiet."
this is because i don't want to talk about the weather or trade sarcastic insults back and forth. one good thing about garret is that i don't feel embarrassed saying whatever pops into my head, but he doesn't really respond in kind. he just tolerates....
Me: HI! pounce. meow. (accompanied by an actual pounce.)
G: Hi.
Me: make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold! that has been stuck in my head for three days, it keeps singing over and over and i always hated it. we had to sing that in Brownies in 3rd grade, which is like Girl Scouts, but smaller, and i guess more tasty and impish, but we still had to sell cookies, not brownies. Don't you think those are perfectly stupid lyrics? I asked the grown-up which was which. She said the old ones were gold, but i don't think that makes sense. Seems like old goes more with sliver, because that gets tarnish on it if you neglect it, and the song is about not forgetting the old friends you already have. And if BOTH are your friends, then they ought to both be the same thing. One shouldn't be more valuable than the other, and silver can't ever become gold. So no matter how long the new friend stays around, even after 20 years they would just be a chunk of silver, so that's dumb. New friends can become old, so i always thought the line ought to be one's a diamond and the other coal... because coal is valuable and it can become a diamond.
G: i see.
Except, I don't know that he does. I think he just likes to say "i see" a lot. And i know i should be grateful i have someone to pounce on and tell what's on my mind... but i wish i had someone who could pick up the thread of conversation and knot it.
And most of the stuff running through my head is stuff like that-- disjointed, not exactly connected to anything else. The game i like is to say all the random stuff i am thinking, and have the other person say stuff, and then connect things.
I don't know how to play "regular conversation."
i can't talk properly to people i like. people in a specific function, are easy-- like store clerks & librarians. polite voice, smile, smile, fake as needed. but chit-chat is so much harder with people i do not hate. feels like lying. and i hate lying. so mostly i am awkward and silent and "quiet."
this is because i don't want to talk about the weather or trade sarcastic insults back and forth. one good thing about garret is that i don't feel embarrassed saying whatever pops into my head, but he doesn't really respond in kind. he just tolerates....
Me: HI! pounce. meow. (accompanied by an actual pounce.)
G: Hi.
Me: make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold! that has been stuck in my head for three days, it keeps singing over and over and i always hated it. we had to sing that in Brownies in 3rd grade, which is like Girl Scouts, but smaller, and i guess more tasty and impish, but we still had to sell cookies, not brownies. Don't you think those are perfectly stupid lyrics? I asked the grown-up which was which. She said the old ones were gold, but i don't think that makes sense. Seems like old goes more with sliver, because that gets tarnish on it if you neglect it, and the song is about not forgetting the old friends you already have. And if BOTH are your friends, then they ought to both be the same thing. One shouldn't be more valuable than the other, and silver can't ever become gold. So no matter how long the new friend stays around, even after 20 years they would just be a chunk of silver, so that's dumb. New friends can become old, so i always thought the line ought to be one's a diamond and the other coal... because coal is valuable and it can become a diamond.
G: i see.
Except, I don't know that he does. I think he just likes to say "i see" a lot. And i know i should be grateful i have someone to pounce on and tell what's on my mind... but i wish i had someone who could pick up the thread of conversation and knot it.
And most of the stuff running through my head is stuff like that-- disjointed, not exactly connected to anything else. The game i like is to say all the random stuff i am thinking, and have the other person say stuff, and then connect things.
I don't know how to play "regular conversation."
5/7/08
Melatonin
Well, the good news is that I have a Sagira in my lap... but the crap is that i'm back in utah.
(Hmmm. I did just notice that I am thinking in capital I's, but even so, "i'm" back in utah. Apparently, it's that much of a downer.)
I did not bother to sleep last night since my plane was scheduled to leave early, and we had to leave for the airport at 4am. It took me until 3 to finish packing, as I had put it off in favor of playing MarioParty8 with my brother-- (it's the easiest video game he owns.)
SO, I should be VERY tired right now. I should be happily asleep at 4am and NOT wide awake.
But unfortunately, and duh, I am a bit of an idiot.
My mom read this article about Melatonin, so I got some yesterday. And, even though I have somewhere important to be today at 9am, and even though I was already plenty tired to sleep tonight, I unwisely decided to take a pill before bed. I have fallen asleep a few times but then the DREAMS woke me. Here's a summary of one:
As a child, I witness an altercation between a strange man and a little girl at my grandparents house. (Then skip ahead a few years.) A year before Papa's death, in 1994, I find the bones of that little girl. Nothing comes of it because then he dies, and so no one can pay attention to my stories of bones because they are too grieved about Papa. Then circumstances come to light that indicate Papa may NOT have died of a heart attack (like he did in real life) but that there may have been foul play. There is a sense of danger. I am in danger. Then I am in a strange place with many people. They are in white and their backs are toward me. We are all looking out a window that shows the front window of my own house. I turn to a girl next to me and I ask her if she can see plants in the window. I ask her if they are green and yellow and purple. She says yes, and this is a bad thing. I grab her hands and look at her and intensely ask-- How do I get better? Her face gets blurry and melts off her head. I turn to the back of another person, and I put my arms around him, but he morphs into someone else, someone scary, a women with gray hair and dark, deep eyes who grabs my hands and wants me to believe her, insists it is not her fault. I am afraid, and then I am somewhere else. I am rocking on the floor talking to my grandmother and she is sorry she didn't believe me about the bones and I am crying (and I can feel all of it, complete with drool running down my chin) and I am hitting the floor and screaming, "I saw him HIT that little girl, I saw him HIT that little girl!"
...And that's where I woke up with my heart racing. (2nd dream had Audrey Hepburn in it, and my mom was an English teacher.)
Now, it is possible that how I feel right now might be due to other stuff- like I am just extra tired or something. My throat is all closed up from being back in the 6th most polluted city in the USA, so that can't help my sleep either. But, I am giving the credit to the Melatonin for now.
I feel both tense and in a good mood. Possibly similar to a ton of caffeine? Zoloft? I can't relax, but I don't mind. That makes me suspicious. I think- shouldn't I mind? My brain and body are definitely in disagreement right now.
Since I'm too amped up to sleep anymore, here I am... so... here's what I noticed so far that was interesting/unusual to me:
First, the dreams were VIVID. Much more intense than my average.
Second, they were still somewhat nonsensical and dreamlike, but they had a definite PLOT. This is unlike my average dreaming, which is usually more of an endless wandering of ideas rather than an actual story.
Third, there was a sense of TIME. I thought in dates, like 1994, and the dates and time made sense, wasn't so loose/expanding. My Papa (grandpa) really did die in 1995 of a heart attack, though none of the other events corresponded to reality.
Fourth, and the most shocking to experience-- in all the dreams I recall having tonight, I had a fixed sense of identity. Usually I shift in and out of 1st/3rd person, and sometimes I am myself and sometimes I am the other characters in the dream. The usual sense is fluid and hazy, not concrete. i am usually everything/everywhere in a dream, and I am not used to being just Amanda. Also relating to this is-
Fifth, I spoke. Sometimes my dreams have conversation in them, but mostly there is just a sense of things being said. A sense and understanding of motives/intent without actual speaking. Usually I just know what's going on.
(Hmmm. I did just notice that I am thinking in capital I's, but even so, "i'm" back in utah. Apparently, it's that much of a downer.)
I did not bother to sleep last night since my plane was scheduled to leave early, and we had to leave for the airport at 4am. It took me until 3 to finish packing, as I had put it off in favor of playing MarioParty8 with my brother-- (it's the easiest video game he owns.)
SO, I should be VERY tired right now. I should be happily asleep at 4am and NOT wide awake.
But unfortunately, and duh, I am a bit of an idiot.
My mom read this article about Melatonin, so I got some yesterday. And, even though I have somewhere important to be today at 9am, and even though I was already plenty tired to sleep tonight, I unwisely decided to take a pill before bed. I have fallen asleep a few times but then the DREAMS woke me. Here's a summary of one:
As a child, I witness an altercation between a strange man and a little girl at my grandparents house. (Then skip ahead a few years.) A year before Papa's death, in 1994, I find the bones of that little girl. Nothing comes of it because then he dies, and so no one can pay attention to my stories of bones because they are too grieved about Papa. Then circumstances come to light that indicate Papa may NOT have died of a heart attack (like he did in real life) but that there may have been foul play. There is a sense of danger. I am in danger. Then I am in a strange place with many people. They are in white and their backs are toward me. We are all looking out a window that shows the front window of my own house. I turn to a girl next to me and I ask her if she can see plants in the window. I ask her if they are green and yellow and purple. She says yes, and this is a bad thing. I grab her hands and look at her and intensely ask-- How do I get better? Her face gets blurry and melts off her head. I turn to the back of another person, and I put my arms around him, but he morphs into someone else, someone scary, a women with gray hair and dark, deep eyes who grabs my hands and wants me to believe her, insists it is not her fault. I am afraid, and then I am somewhere else. I am rocking on the floor talking to my grandmother and she is sorry she didn't believe me about the bones and I am crying (and I can feel all of it, complete with drool running down my chin) and I am hitting the floor and screaming, "I saw him HIT that little girl, I saw him HIT that little girl!"
...And that's where I woke up with my heart racing. (2nd dream had Audrey Hepburn in it, and my mom was an English teacher.)
Now, it is possible that how I feel right now might be due to other stuff- like I am just extra tired or something. My throat is all closed up from being back in the 6th most polluted city in the USA, so that can't help my sleep either. But, I am giving the credit to the Melatonin for now.
I feel both tense and in a good mood. Possibly similar to a ton of caffeine? Zoloft? I can't relax, but I don't mind. That makes me suspicious. I think- shouldn't I mind? My brain and body are definitely in disagreement right now.
Since I'm too amped up to sleep anymore, here I am... so... here's what I noticed so far that was interesting/unusual to me:
First, the dreams were VIVID. Much more intense than my average.
Second, they were still somewhat nonsensical and dreamlike, but they had a definite PLOT. This is unlike my average dreaming, which is usually more of an endless wandering of ideas rather than an actual story.
Third, there was a sense of TIME. I thought in dates, like 1994, and the dates and time made sense, wasn't so loose/expanding. My Papa (grandpa) really did die in 1995 of a heart attack, though none of the other events corresponded to reality.
Fourth, and the most shocking to experience-- in all the dreams I recall having tonight, I had a fixed sense of identity. Usually I shift in and out of 1st/3rd person, and sometimes I am myself and sometimes I am the other characters in the dream. The usual sense is fluid and hazy, not concrete. i am usually everything/everywhere in a dream, and I am not used to being just Amanda. Also relating to this is-
Fifth, I spoke. Sometimes my dreams have conversation in them, but mostly there is just a sense of things being said. A sense and understanding of motives/intent without actual speaking. Usually I just know what's going on.
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