Spring

but what springs from my mindspring is... just that. it's a line from an email a friend wrote me. and i woke up 8 minutes ago, back at 3:25am with it running through my head. what springs from my mindspring what springs from my mindspring... i like the turn of phrase.

i have been thinking about it for a couple days because i'm not sure what kind of spring he was thinking of. and i haven't asked because then i would know, and it's more fun to play with it instead (for the moment). what springs from my mindspring, what springs from my mindspring...

See, the first thing that sprang to mind when he sprung the mindspring on me was a metal coil kind of spring. Exploding from the head like a Jack-in-the-box Athena.

Later i thought of those stupid looking shoes that have a big exposed spring coil attached to the heal, you know, put a spring in your step. I don't think that is their actual advertising slogan but it should be. That was a very satisfactory thought, as Athena was now able to bounce forth in springy sneakers.

When I woke up just now it was a teeny little spring. The kind that you feel compelled to press together when you autopsy a pen, and that can ZING quite a distance when it pops out of your fingers. It is probably the image i got because i have been wound too tight like a spring and the pen has a connection to writing, and here i am writing. I am unwinding the spring.

But before all that, back to 3 seconds after reading what springs from my mindspring, my second thought was that it could be the water kind of spring. Water gushing up and soaking in and spreading out works well in the analogy too.

Perhaps Winter is the problem with my mindSpring... mandaBear in hibernation.

The Smear my Dear is in Your Ear

they cut the tree down across the street.

and now there is too much sky. too much sky is in my eye. and today is Rain. i like rain. but today is Rain and cold and blurry. blurry, blurry, slurry. everything wrong and melty. the world has gone sideways and wrong. sense and perspective are in the wrong place.

maybe i am having a skitzophrenic episode. i am paranoid and feeling like i have special communication abilities with machines. there is an Army in the washing machine and a Gossip in my computer. logic and illogic keep flipping, spinning.

garret keeps talking at me-- What's wrong? Why are you mad? Let's talk and make up. But i do not want to talk. i am not mad at him, or i was/am not until he forces his existence into my awareness. i am neutral in his general direction. if only he would just HUSH. he keeps TALK TALK TALKING and he is loud and clang. loud and clang and scrape my brain. and- Can I give you a hug? Why do you get mad when I touch you? and because it HURTS it HURTS. and i don't know. just is sandpaper-bleed-scrape-grate right now.

we went for a walk and the sky was wrong, and the trees were wrong, and the clouds were wrong. wrong and too close and just LOOKING at them was like a bad little shock.

Por que? Por que. Por que? Por que.

and he keeps teasing me, for all my idiot-ness. which i AM mad about for the second i remember it. i am mad because it scares me, it scares me when i do stupid things and when i am crazy and paranoid, and when they world looks wrong, and all my head will do is sing Seuss at me, and the world melts on windows and even though i know this is a Look, it Sounds wrong all the same. The Smear is in my EAR.

and i do not like it.

it is like... sometimes my internal Volume Control dial gets spun. and the new reality is in a different place than the day before. and sometimes everything goes too quiet and numb and i can not hear or feel as well, and then i NEED crush hugs and lots of talking and energy to help me adjust it back. but today is not that day. today is the other direction. and everything is TOO MUCH and i need creepy tip-toe voices and NO TOUCH!

For M. L. Eizl

Hi. It's Tuesday, October 28th, 2:55pm. And i just read both of your comments about 30 seconds ago.

Sometimes I lose interest in myself, she grinned, it's the closest explanation I can think of as to why I have not checked my blog in months...

And I am sorry I missed your wave hello, although, since I do not see a way to email you back today, I probably would not have 2 months ago either.

So know that it made me feel very smiley to know someone read me and got me, though I do hope not quite "TOTALLY," because I long to be mysterious and complex. :)

I do not really have a new life yet, I was just happy in the moment I posted last.

But be assured that I am much more O.K. than K.O..

In fact, OK might be my new favorite word this week. I was reading the dictionary 2 days ago and noticed it. I can't remember ever knowing about OK before, but whether i knew it before and forgot, or if it really was knew for the first time... the knew felt new regardless, and that is always very fun.

(OK stands for "oll korrect," a deliberate misspell of "all correct".) I love OK's brattyness. I did not know it was such a snotty little punk before.

Eizl sounds like Easel, and maybe a bit like Gargamel's cat too. An easel with a painting of Azrael on it perhaps.

Delirious

(ly happy.)

Ha! Tricked you.

Yep, just wanted to say it for the record.... in this moment i am deliriously happy.

yay. bink. shmoo.

Sameness

depressed, depressed, depressed, repressed, smothered, suffocating, numb, such ACHE.

hate, hate, hate, hate, want, want, want, WANT.

i feel so bad i could be almost certain i am bipolar, since i feel sure the sludging baseline of depression i lived in just a bit ago was MANIA compared to this. but no, probably not. probably just a check box. i am moved, slotted, allotted from "depressed" to "very depressed." yeah, that "very" really captures the difference. i should enjoy this i suppose, it could get even worse, any minute now this memory could seem like mania when juxtaposed with the future hell of tomorrow.

hurt. restless. lonely. numb, numb, numb. i don't understand how the physical body survives. i still breathe, my heart still beats. it is surreal. it seems the brain ought to stop it and strike me dead from the pain.

i was pretty hyper from the melatonin. but i have been feeling blah for awhile, i don't think it is just recoil. just the same the same the same. messes with no solutions. hating that my story is not a fairy tale with a happy ending. i cannot change i cannot fix i cannot save i cannot i cannot i cannot.

Melatonin again

man, was it like this before??? (i am not reading my first post on melatonin until after i write this.)

so... i forget what i have and haven't said. um, so, i have been off melatonin for a bit, because it seemed to be not working as well, so i have been taking breaks and then going back on, and so i haven't taken it for awhile and then i did last night.

i also am on day 4 back off of gluten/milk.

so first, going to sleep- i lay in bed laughing for a good half hour.

eyes closed, smiling i kept saying, "yaaaay! bacon!" in this teensey little voice and then laughing and laughing. sometimes i would add, "dogs don't know it's not bacon" or "i smell like bacon!!" laugh. settle down. yay bacon. repeat. it kept being super funny to me.

then i was almost asleep and garret or a cat or something made a very small noise, and i screamed, "AHHHH!" and my eyes flew open and i was all jumpy.

then i fell asleep, i don't remember any dreams. then i woke up about 4am, all tense and jittery and i feel very chatty still, 4 hours later. i just want to talk and talk and write and talk and YAY BACON! and my face and my muscles are all tight and i am twitchy.