A picture of a picture...

Today is pictures.

Ick sent me a picture of a pacing tiger in a cage... and I thought-- wow. that is a great picture of him.

Which got me thinking about photos and images. Because Ick is a person who has to live in a house, not a corporeal tiger.

And i thought about photos of me. i have noticed that most people don't like photos of themselves. i don't either. But i don't like certain photos, because, i am not IN them.

Photos in which i look nice/presentable/have makeup on-- these are "good" pictures according to my family/friends. However, i best like ones that i feel capture me or a mood- which are usually the pictures that they label odd, depressing, goofy, or strange.

For example, this is not a "good" picture of me. No makeup or smile, you can't even see my face, just my poor taste in pajama bottoms...

but my brain yells, "THERE'S AMANDA!" to me when i look at this one-- evokes more recognition than a "good" picture.

i am in the left ankle, in the angry-fisting-toes...

when i am "hiding" is when you can see me best.


Gluten. and Milk-Poetry

I do not fully understand the whole gluten/autism thing. They guess that in some people, gluten makes opioid peptides, and this is the Wiki explanation for opioid peptides:

Opioid Peptides are short sequences of amino acids which mimic the effect of opiates in the brain. Opioid peptides may be produced by the body itself, for example endorphins, or be absorbed from partially digested food (casomorphins, exorphins and rubiscolins). The effect of these peptides vary, but they all resemble opiates. The opioid food peptides have lengths of typically 4-8 amino acids. The body's own opioids are generally much longer.
Brain opioid peptide systems are known to play an important role in motivation, emotion, attachment behaviour, the response to stress and pain, and the control of food intake.

My motivation, emotion, and stress/pain response is wacky. My sleep patterns are screwy too, and i read this other blog where the girl said her sleep was also all tied into her gluten thing.

bread is nice, but it's just food-- i don't feel particularly attached to it. MILK, however, is a very different thing. i need milk. i love milk. when i am mad, i want milk to drink to calm down and i hum when i drink it. if there is no milk at 3am, this is an emergency-- it is not a problem that can wait until morning-- i need to be taken to the store at 3am.

i had a awful period of a few months where milk tasted sour to me. this was very bad, as i still CRAVED it, but then i'd drink it and it just didn't taste right, so i would just think about it all the time and be depressed about it. (i was taking medication at the time, which may or may not have been the reason for the milk tasting bad. haven't taken any kind of medication besides aspirin/Tylenol for a few years now.)

it occurred to me that perhaps this it a rather dramatic way to feel about milk... and that most people are not inclined to dedicate sonnets to it, or think about it quite so much...

i have eaten low-carb for periods of time in the past, but i just can't seem to do without milk. if i have one little taste, i need MORE, so it's an all or nothing kind of thing. i have not had any milk today... so this is day one of going cold-turkey. i'm trying to write this down for the record...

i wonder if this means i am more susceptible to opiate addiction? maybe some morphine could get me off the milk ;p