I am in Florida for a few more days.

I'm tired of wanting something so much, yet having no way to obtain it. Apartment rent here is as much as a house payment... Sigh. If only I had been born somewhere like Cuba, then I would have been TRAPPED somewhere tropical, and then I never would have been able to make a stupid mistake like moving to Utah! Plus, I like dark eyes and hair. So, a tall Cuban guy would be handy to have around too...

I've been scrapbooking for my mom, plus I made a giant visual aid for Zac, for his report on the Bermuda Triangle. Yesterday I cut down a bunch of palm fronds for my Grandmother. She complained about all her coconuts, so I cut some of those down too, but then she said wistfully, "Well... those were the good ones". Then, today she mentioned them again and said maybe I should cut down some more. She is quite impossible.

Zac wants me to play Wii with him, though I don't know why since I am so bad at it. He also enjoys trying to teach me to Ripstick. That I can understand the appeal of, since I scream and fall off a lot, which makes him laugh.



so, when scooched all the way under bed, flat on my back, i can just fit my fist in between my face and the bed. this is ok, but even better would be if i could curl on my side... shoulders will behave-- they don't exactly pop out of joint, but i can put my arm underneath me in that way that angles them... so i can almost curl, but my hips need about another inch. hope it is not non-negotiable bone, and that fat will do... (i think i could jam myself sideways, but i have not tried it as i would probably get stuck.)

was under the bed today because bathtub got too cold, and Sagira jumped into the bathtub to see if i was ok, and that made me cry very hard because she is terrified of the evil, scary bath. was in the bathtub because my feet were muddy. my feet were muddy because i took my shoes off when i was watering the garden, and watering the garden was very distressing because the water was up too high and the pressure was too much for the little baby things that have sprouted, and i got upset that they were dying and drowning and being washed away, and garret wouldn't turn the water down. he says i always get extra nuts/emotional before i go to FL. this is probably an accurate observation.

getting a bed that is higher off the ground is not a good solution, because i do not like beds to be too high off the ground, and if anything, wish mine were lower. plus, i can not afford a new bed anyway. i had an excellent wooden toy-chest when i was a kid. a bigger version of that would be nice to bug-up in. one with a nice smell, pine or something.



My brain is skitz. My brain is skitz. My brain is skittish and on the fritz... Got Skype today, which was a New Thing. And so there was Too Much today. Can't look at too many New Things because it is overwhelming. "Oh Amanda, don't be silly, it's not hard, just a simple download!"

Sigh. Not about hard. About looking at a New Thing. Everything online is full of crap and sideshow. Blah to skim through to get to the point of it all.

I am neglecting people. Haven't checked email. Too many New in the Inbox. Haven't returned phone calls. Sigh. Sigh.

Can't sleep from skitz-brain.

One of my many problems is... I play so well, so well, no one can tell... I seem just fine. I can talk, smile. Yay, good monkey. Sigh. SO MUCH effort to play monkey. I am tired all the time. People think, well, it does not LOOK hard, so it must not BE hard. Ah. Yes. Lovely logic, that.

Sorry Zhekai... (that i never responded to this)

zhekai said...
Cool:) I've enjoyed reading your blog. I also get the word interpretation thing...someone says 'I have misgivings' and my brain will tell me all the double-entendres and possible interpretations. So i'll think:1)Miss Givings, what about Mr and Mrs Givings? I hear they're a very giving family, etc.2) Mis-givings sounds like you tried to give something to someone, but you messed up, etc. I find that hilarious....but nobody else does, so i've learned to not say such things.Can I ask if you relate to something else?:I seem to have two modes of expression. My natural thoughts and ways of talking are very chaotic for others, so i try to make everything very ordered and logical. It means i'm always explaining myself...So i have to choose between speaking naturally and being misunderstood, or being understood but turning everything into a really boring explanation that nobody wants to hear!!!It's very frustrating. And the irony is that ordinary people, even if they dimly understand what i'm saying, don't appreciate it in the same way.Thanks for responding!

(except. it's not really never since i'm responding. but. it's still been a while.)

yes. my brain will insist on telling me every possible meaning of something before i can move onto another thought. Ms. Givings indeed. i find #2 hilarious too. people are always looking at me like i am a hopeless dork.
Me: But don't you GET IT???!!!
Them: Yep. It's NOT FUNNY.
Me: I think you are not getting it. (this part muttered secretly in my head.)

I noticed I do something and am not sure if all humans universally do this too- when people speak to me, I have to repeat the sentence internally before i HEAR it. Sometimes this results in long, long pauses before i respond because I have to get through the Givings family Tree, then listen to a detour about the book The Giving Tree. Green cover. I like green. And then I have to "read" back the last thing said to me.

And yes, I have what I think of as my natural voice and then the "correct" way to talk. I always feel like I don't really speak English, I am just constantly translating. People miss the one version and are bored by the dissection process of the other. Like today, people were talking and I asked an either/or question-- "oh, are you collecting this or that?" and the answer was a both. so then i said they collected stone birds. but that did not make sense. they were like, what the hell is a stone bird? (the expression "kill two birds with one stone" combined itself into one stone, and then paralleled to the "both" in question.)

To me, that's not a joke, not trying to get a laugh exactly, just feel like it conveys lots of idea tangled into a short thing. But it doesn't really. I have "met" a couple Aspies online who get my twisted shorthand and love to talk in a combination of amanda-speak and them-too-speak, but most people do not appreciate it. Which, i can understand, because the explanation of things bores me too, the fun is in the breadcrumbs... play with me... follow me...