SEER page 29

Every day in Pre-first that it is time to play DRAW now, you WATCH Patrick very close. Because you keep hearing about how Patrick is the stupidest one in the class. Even TEACHERS whisper about it! Because you know that when they call him Patrick-is-SLOW they are trying to say STUPID-Patrick in a nice way.

And YOU SEE that Patrick never ever will play-draw house or play-draw tree or play-draw ANYTHING at all but stick people. Just STICK PEOPLE. ALL DRAW DAY LONG. Like this:

And I get very fascinated with paTRICK and his TRICK people!

I see that Patrick does not listen to all the kids at the table who say he is stupid and that his stick people are crazy-crack-baby-heads, and that stick people should have arms and necks, for instance, and not just LEGS sprouting right out of HEADS.

I see that Patrick looks pretty content. May be even Happy. He still likes his stick people even if they are stupid. And I decide, NOT to throw a crayon at Patrick like the other boy just did, but instead,



And this next part is not all EXACT word for word, but GIST the important parts.

Amanda: um… Why do the legs come out of the heads?
(I’m not sure if Patrick looks up yet, or just keeps drawing.)

Patrick: Because. That is where their legs ARE.

(And this makes LOTS of sense! So I get very excited, and smile big, and start to squeal and laugh!)

Patrick: (does a little frown)

(Oh-no! He thinks I am laughing AT HIM, I must talk more so he understands I am not! I am laughing at myself and all the other kids and even TEACHERS that have missed this very obvious and excellent point! We all thought PATRICK was the slow-one!!! Oh-my! How funny that WE are SLOW and HE is the GENIUS!!!!)

Amanda: KNOW! KNOW-NO! I SEE it now! I SEE I SEE! I see (gasp for air) why they just have legs and heads! But, what do you DO when they have to pick something UP????

(And I am breathless with anticipation!)

Patrick: How big?

Amanda: What??

(Patrick is very patient, even though this girl is pretty slow, and he looks right at Amanda now, for SURE in this part)

Patrick: HOW BIG? Like, is it something they can pick up with teeth?

(And I look closer at the picture…)
Amanda: Like that guy! How did he put his hat on????

(Patrick looks at Amanda like she is SLOW, as in, mentally retarded, but does not laugh at her and is STILL kind, just a little shocked)

Patrick: He came with the hat.

Amanda: HE CAME WITH THE HAT!!!! OH!!!!! (Amanda is bouncing in the seat now.) BUT!!! WHAT IF HE WANTS TO TAKE THE HAT OFF!!!

Patrick: Why?


Patrick (grins) : I guess... I guess he would bounce it off! Or get that other one to take it off with his teeth!

Amanda: OH! But… what if the other one is not tall enough? Or if it is stuck down too-tight on his head and won’t bounce off good?? What if he is all alone? What will he DO????

(And now Patrick stares down at the picture….)And Patrick draws a Miracle.
Patrick: There! Now he will always be ok!

And now, HAT-MAN has FEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amanda: BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But that might have been the wrong word to yell. Because even though you and Patrick are best friends and so happy and laughing so hard, and now Patrick is seeing if he can DRAW without ARMS, because you have pointed out that it is VERY unfair to draw armless stick people, when you yourself have arms AND hands and so Patrick is going NUTS with his teeth and his feet, but his shoes are in the way, which is WHY he had to use ARMS in the first place to DRAW anyway, and you are BOTH trying to find out WHY or WHEN ANYONE ever, ever, actually NEEDS an arm ever, and where is the point at which arms are REAL essential? And WHAT IF one arm? And WHAT IF three? And what if you just roll-play on the ground, and are only a head? Or one eye? Or an eye and a tooth? AND THIS IS TOO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!!!!


…is usually when someone feels compelled to stop you.

Which is what happens next.

Because you don’t get why everyone says, “What-if?” is a baby game and SO STUPID and POINTLESS! Because you think it is pretty FUN! And you are so pleased to learn Patrick is secretly a genius undercover. And you just KNOW that Patrick could rival Picasso, or at least Matisse, if he is just allowed to get to his toes NOW!

But he is not allowed.

Because everyone in the classroom is looking your way. And some of them are looking very surprised, because may be they have never even heard Patrick laugh or even talk. And some of them look dumbfounded or may be shocked. And, apparently, you are not learning properly, because it is TIME to BE QUIET and DRAW now!

So you be very quiet, but also tiptoe over to the teacher and try to explain that Patrick is SMART-Patrick, and not slow at all, and is in the wrong class, and needs to be in the smart-gifted-special-class like you get to go to twice a week, because Patrick is the smartest person you have met at this school EVER, or at least so far, and that is including TEACHERS!!! Can you believe it?

But the teacher does NOT believe it. And you have to GO SIT DOWN and BE QUIET NOW!!! And you start to panic, because you don’t want her to be MAD, and you whisper in DESPERATION!!
…but! but there is a REASON for the no-arms!!!


And when you say yes, please, you would love some time-out to explain, the teacher sighs and says, no, not that kind of time-out, the punishment kind, and you do not really see how TIME-out is a punishment, because Mommy and Daddy have never made you be punished that way, but you remember that time-out is code for when teachers actually mean time-to-sit-in-the-front-and-feel-shame-and-learn-embarrassed because the other kids are allowed to smirk and laugh at you. So you sigh and give up. And you go back and sit down. But you smile at Patrick, and may be wave at him a little. And he may be waves back with his foot, or he could have just been trying to put his feet behind his head. But you two are too BAD still, so you can’t sit at the same table.

And it was ok to talk to Patrick when he was at your table, but you can’t talk to him so much now, and the other kids don’t believe that Patrick is smart, they instead think YOU are NOT SMART and YOU are STUPID too.

And this next part is very, very, bad.

Because you choose WRONG.

At the time, you think there are only 2 choices, and the choices are:
1. Choose-Patrick
2. Choose-Be-Smart

Because you do not SEE the WRONG yet, and that Patrick and Be-Smart IS the same, and that Patrick AND Be-Smart is ONE choice, not 2 opposing ones.

But… you were only 5 that day, and even though you chose wrong and stupid, you were try-do-try-best-do-can-see. And you wanted to be smart so much that you chose it OVER Patrick that day, but may be that does not make you BAD, because you were trying to be good, and did not screw up on purpose. The problem is, you think the adults and the world must be smarter and must know more than you do, and so you LISTEN to them.

But when you ARE be what you have, you ARE being have, and you ARE behaving, but most people use behave to mean “obey ME instead!” and NOT be what you have at all, and so this can be confusing, when you hear “behave!” all the time and you ARE!

I am behave! I behave! (MIS-behave is an intentional-bad, and you are NOT bad by intention.)

But what you see then, is that people either speak wrong or you are broken, and so you try to see and learn how you are wrong and NOT really hearing, “oh-no! Be ME in your stead! instead!” from all the adults around you.

And today you have not forgotten about Snails, but... you are very angry. They won’t get off the sidewalk, no matter how far you put them back in the grass, and you keep stepping on them or running them over with your bike, no matter how much you try not to. And they make a HORRIBLE CRUNCH noise that you HATE. And you HATE that they are making you feel guilty, and it is their own stupid fault you keep killing them. And you HATE snails, you HATE them. And you pick one up and throw it as hard as you can at the wall of your house, and the crunch makes you cry and you feel horrible and you HATE yourself.

But you meet a lizard, and it makes you feel better, because if you are too rough when you catch lizards, you will snap their tails off, and the tails will bleed and wave horribly around in the air, BUT the tails always grow BACK, so you do not have to feel very bad about it. Just a little bad for the sting of pain, but not BAD for KILLING anything. It’s just the same as when you cut off a fingernail, except you don’t bleed then. And there are so many lizards, you can make a new friend each day. Which is a little sad, but when you put lizards in a glass jar, even with grass and bugs and holes punched to breathe, you can’t keep them for more than a day or two, or they WILL die. So, you just catch some each day and sometimes you catch the SAME ones a lot, and that is happy, and then they get used to you, and will sit on your shoulder for short periods of time, because they learn you will chase and catch them if they run, but if they are nice, you feel bad for them and let them get back to playing quicker. And sometimes, in very rare cases, one will let you feed it a bug, and not run when you pet it, and stretch it’s head out to you. And if they bite your ears or your hair you talk soft and tell them it’s ok, because lizard bites don’t hurt anyway, and you want them to like you. But you mostly like the baby lizards or the medium ones which you think are the girls… because the biggest lizards, which you think are the boys, have a red flap of skin that expands when they breathe out, and they also hiss at you, and so you are a little afraid of them. And the good thing about lizards is that they are so fast, they run away from feet and don’t let people step on them. But the bad thing about being friends with the lizards in your yard, is that one time, a lizard you were very good friends with, did NOT run away from you, because he trusted you, and you were BAD and DID step on him, but it was ok, because you prayed VERY HARD to GOD that the lizard would NOT DIE, because God could just not kill him for trusting you, and you told God that you knew Jesus was may be just for man-kind and not for lizard-kind and you did not want to be sacrilegious, but you did not want the lizard to die, and you begged God to just hurt you instead and make the lizard ok and help the lizard to forgive you… and the lizard DID make up with you and DID run off and play in the grass, and you KNEW he was alright, and you were so relieved, because you could have sworn you had crushed his stomach, and he wasn’t breathing right, but may be he was just in shock or something (like mommy said), or may be just God is a big lizard fan and loves them too and made the lizard better (like I say).

And today, in pre-first, you look up.

And Patrick has ARMS on every person in his pictures now. But ALL of them are dead like this:

And you KNOW and you SEE that Patrick is DYING.

And you close your eyes and put your head down.

And you are ashamed. And you may be cry some.

But you do not look up at Patrick anymore.

Because it is easier to hide tears when your head looks down.

And you are MEAN to Patrick after that. Because you think he should see how to hide better so you could still be friends in secret. But Patrick does not pick up on this, and just sees and thinks that you HATE him for REAL. Which is now true. Even though you did not mean to end up at HATE.

And for the next 20 years—you spend a lot of time being very mixed up in life.


SEER page 179

TV at 3am is not all infomercials and The Nanny reruns... You flip through forensic shows, crime dramas, serial killer documentaries...

And you remember that you are already a killer.

A serial-killer.

A serial-snail-killer.

Because you did not stop after just one snail.

SEER page 28

and time goes black...

(audio clip on youtube.com/seerseeher)


Alice and Frank

Some people like to point out that Frankenstein was the name of the doctor and not the monster. The monster was just "Frankenstein's monster" and it didn't have a name of it's own. But I don't really care about it. I figure if Mary Shelley wanted people to get her book right, then she should have given it a name of it's own. Plus, I have not actually read the book so i am not very attached to it. Plus, lots of diseases get named after the doctors that discovered them, so why not monsters?

I am perfectly ok with calling Frankensteins as i see them.

But, Alice, is a whole other story.

And one i get very annoyed about. Possibly because i have to deal with it so much more than the Frankenstein thing, which i suppose i should be grateful for, if i took intent into consideration, but really, i'd rather be called Frankenstein than Alice. In fact, it is really surprising how often Alice gets mentioned to me, especially if you look at my real-people friend ratio. But people seem to give me odd looks and say things like, "ooookay ALICE! haha! you are weird." or something like that. especially when they first meet me. and, i suppose they don't mean it as an insult, because Alice wasn't a TROLL or anything... but... I do not like Alice.

She is a bug. Lice. A lice. A nasty little bug that gets into Wonderland and all it's crazy fun, and she's not BAD exactly, but she is terribly normal and not in a good way. And so, if people wish to express my oddness, then they really should not call me ALice. I am Wonderland. I am the Mad Hatter, the White Queen, gosh, pick almost ANYTHING else in the books, even some treacle, but NOT Alice.

SEER page 24

Or today:

You wonder how the snails get out. You see that there are lots of EMPTY shells in the yard, and also big snails and little snails. So at first, you think the unicorn-snails grow up and move into the empty BIG shells. And you don’t know WHY the big snails move out, because you don’t see any shells that are bigger for them to move into. But you play with snails for a long time and collect lots of the empty shells, and put them by smaller snails in case they need to move, or just want to move into a different color house, because white is so pretty, and most of the empty shells are white. And one time you ask an adult if the Unicorn-snails get big and use the empty shells you leave out for them. But they laugh and say NO, because they are like a different animal, because they are different species of snails. And one time, you notice that you have never seen a BIG snail in a white house, only in brown houses, and you wonder about snail-death, and if it hurts, and WHY is the SHELL still in your yard if the snail is somewhere else, and if the snail is dead, then why doesn’t the shell disappear too? And you don’t WORRY about this too much, you are just very curious.

And then, you think of SLUGS.

But you have never seen a slug, only snails and empty snail shells. So you hope, that may be SLUGS are some of the SNAILS that got too big for the shell and ESCAPED!!!

And at this time, you feel very excited and curious and smart for thinking of this. But at another time, you will just feel stupid and ignorant.

Like this day:

Amanda is playing outside... (and the page goes black)

SEER page 22

Or today:

More PLAY with CLAW on the slide! And you see that CLAW wants to be outside the shell almost all the time now. But you do not think it would be a good idea to break his shell open for him, because you see that it might kill him if you try to help.

And for just a second, you wonder how the snails get out.

So you just PLAY and slide, and swing, but not too much swing, because you hate actually SWINGING back and forth. And you never got the knack of jumping off in the air like some kids can do. You just like to twist the chain up tight and then un-spin, but CLAW does not like either way. In fact, what CLAW loves the most, is PLAY with the GRASS. He sure loves that grass next to the slide. But he gets going pretty quick when he is happy and having a good time, so you have to keep a close eye on him, so he won’t get lost. But you can get away with ONE slide down on your stomach before he gets too far away, just like that day the picture was taken, and in fact, that may be the EXACT day you remember, but it might be the day after too, because there were lots of days with the slide and with CLAW.


SEER page 17-20

*All I have is a cheap and CRAPPY digital camera. But I wanted to read aloud some parts of SEER because some things work better on paper and some work better aloud. So I am just playing around with it.

Pages 17-20 can be heard on YouTube.


Memory. Time. Reality. Space. Dimensions.

I think about time travel and memory a lot, just because I find them interesting. The lines between imagination, reality, dreams, and all kinds of things can seem clear sometimes and sometime blurry.

I don't know if my memory is faulty, or if I just pay attention to different details than others. But I don't seem to be on the same page as others either way. People who work in the court system or watch TV know that "eyewitness" testimony can be inaccurate.

But for me personally, I seem to get Time all mixed up. My unchecked memory will skip all over the place, age wise. When I write, I switch between I and You all the time, but I usually mean Me. I can't naturally keep my tense straight either. Since my brain is usually flipping from age 5 to age 25 and back again, I will use past, present, and future tenses all mixed up in the same sentence.

I don't know if anyone or everyone has a similar experience, but I am trying to play around with writing stuff right now that can illustrate some of how I feel. At times I feel that time or time travel is a potential secret our brains posses. Not in the sense of imagination, but more to do with Memory. Like a virtual reality game or something. Maybe not like actually GOING anywhere, but being able to SEE everything all at the same time.



So i want to be on the computer. There are lots of entertaining and useful things to do on here. But i really hate white noise. And so i hate being on a computer for too long because of the whine. And once it starts to bug me, then i start to hear ALL the machines. And my roomate is not a fan of me unpluging all the TVs and computers, because it resets all the Tivo or something... but even if i go in my room and put the covers over my head i can still hear it and even if i turn music on i can hear it underneath. and someone really needs to invent earplugs that don't hurt ears, because i hate earplugs too because after 20 minutes or so, my ears start to throb, and then i'm back to shaking my head like a crazy person.

SEER page 16

And today is pre-first class and Ms. Rand:

And the paste-eater does not seem very FUN-SMART or even SMART-FUN. He draws his stick people like this:

Instead of how like you are supposed to draw stick people.

And you SEE his name is Patrick and everyone calls him STUPID-Patrick, and says he got held back from 1st grade because he is stupid and draws stupid stick people the WRONG right-way. And you SEE that all these other kids in the class are may be not special like you are. And that you are 5 years old and got put in Pre-first cLast because you are TOO-SMART-BECAUSE-YOU-CAN-READ-ALL-READY, but everyone else in the cLass is 6 years old and TOO-DUMB-BECAUSE-THEY-CAN-NOT-READ-YET, and so they can not go to first grade.

But also, the 6’s are not mature enough for 1st grade learning, which is also the problem with you, so you can’t play first grade yet either, just like the 6’s, even though you are smarter.

And you are not sure if you should be complimented or insulted by this assessment.

But you SEE, that for sure, being STUPID, is a very big deal. And a VERY BAD-WRONG thing to be. So you are determined to NOT BE stupid EVER! And you decide to watch these characters real close, to learn all you can about stupid people, so you do not ever Be-Stupid, and Make-Stupid-Mistakes, if at all possible, because you are SURE you want to learn how to BE-SMART the most thing of all.

And so far, you KNOW:
--play more with books
--watch out for anything stupid
--and may be start with watch Stupid-Patrick for the trick

Or today is:

Sunshine! The Beach! The Ocean!

You find a giant black rock at the beach that CLAW might like. CLAW has been looking sad in his water-bowl. You SEE that this may be because his rocks are too small and they keep falling down and CLAW has to float and swim all day to not-drown. And you also see, that if you pour too much water out of the bowl so that the rocks are always above water, CLAW seems to be bored, and kind of like he might need a BIGROCK… one that he could climb, but also have room to swim sometimes too. And now is when you SEE the big-black-and-possible-perfect-rock-tower for CLAW. And somehow you just KNOW that this is the rock!!!

And the-end of or-today.

SEER page 15

But. Maybe that is not today.

Maybe today is:

Your pet turtle ran away.

Or today is:

GOOD-Daddy brought home a present! A turtle for know reason! Just for you! It was a very small turtle that could fit inside one of your hands. At this time, you love the InspectorGadget cartoon, which has an Inspector, and Go! Go!, and gadgets, and a Penny, and a puppy, and a Dr.Claw’s Fist! Your favorite part is Dr.Claw, because you always hope to see more of him, but all you have seen so-far is his fist and the back of his chair. And so, when Daddy hands you the turtle for the very first time, and it is inside it’s shell, the first thing you want is to get a better look at that turtle, so you can learn it’s name. But the turtle does not come out. And you get very excited!! Because you SEE that this turtle is just like Dr. Claw, except you do not-know if he can grow-up to be a Dr. or if he is a boy… but you do hope he has claws, because you should be able to find out that part. You ask GOOD-Daddy if he knows. (And daddy says yes about claws, but no idea about if he is a boy.) And you KNOW for sure that the name of your turtle IS CLAW. (You might have named him Dr. Claw first, but someone might have pointed out that doctors have to have a diploma to get an honorific, and you are not sure about claw even being a doctor yet in the first place, so you do not make him a diploma.) So his name is CLAW, at least for now, but you will consider changing it to Dr.CLAW, if in the future you ever see him being a doctor or if you find his diploma.

And the-end.
For today.

SEER page 12

Either Smart Or Stupid?

So I am 4 now, and I get to go to school when I am 5. But today I went to school BEFORE I get to go for real, because they had to do a test to see if there is something wrong with me. The problem is, none of the other 4 year old kids can read, so I have to get a test so they know what to do with me. But the test was pretty fun, because they just made me read and play and talk. I was not good at throwing the bean-bags, but I liked the part when the man had me name as many words as I could as in 30 seconds or a minute, and I started thinking of a pirate story, so I remember I yelled: Parrot! Pirate! Eye! Patch! Bird! Peg! Leg! A! and! The! Or! At! Wall! Boat! Ocean! Sea! Waterfall! Floor! Chair! Pencil! Desk! Man! … and so on like that, just yelling any words I wanted and that was lots of fun even though he was kind of stern looking and not too-fun to play with. And also someone else, a lady, took me outside to show me the play-ground, but that was maybe a test too. But I didn’t care, I just want to hurry and get to play on the playground already!

And later, I found out that they don’t know if they should put me in Kindergarten with the babies or in first-grade with the grown-up kids. So finally, they put me in Pre-first, which is an in-between class, and my teacher’s name is Ms. Rand…


Bad pink! Under analyze better, you monkey!

So of course I hear, "YOU OVER ANALYZE!" pretty constantly. Because apparently, too much thinking is a bad thing especially if you let others know. The vast, blind, drooling people-majority achieve their smug average-supremacy by having a trick in their brain that allows them to function without any thought. Like animal instinct. But some humans (me) are that poor monkey that got dyed pink by some mean researcher and then thrown in with the other monkeys and ripped apart. Except for humans have jail, so most pink-monkey-humans do not get to REAL die, just slow die from very teeny bites and meanness.

Now, this is not too special because everyone has a sad story, so you are not suppose to talk about it because that is complaining and it is bad to think about yourself too much because that is being selfish or self-centered or both. And I know that rule. But... it is very hard to know what to do. Like with over analyzing. Because... I can't know what is in anyone elses brain, so I am my only frame of reference. And even with lots of thinking to find the clues, and careful attention to TV dramas and psychology texts... i still don't really get how to stop thinking.

I mean, I know not to bring it up. And not ask too many questions... but then... i still don't know what to DO or how to ACT. My brain just gets kind of paralyzed and can't DO. Not just sometimes, but with pretty much every question and situation i have to deal with.

Like yesterday, I got asked this question:
"Hey Amanda, are you going to bed or are you going to stay up and read more?"

Now, I was flummoxed. And didn't speak for 30 seconds. And the person raised their eyebrows and laughed and said, "C'mon, its not a hard question!"

But it SO was. Because the Yes-Nos in the sentence FIGHT, because both things were not really but sort of true together, because I was going to read in bed. But, I couldn't just SAY, "I'm going to read in bed." Because that short of an answer didn't occur to me until 30 seconds into the whole confused train of thought. I really have to suspiciously unravel questions like that and they make me so ANGRY because they take so much time and why can't people talk sense and in nice black/white, yes/no phrased questions???? Because they are humans and that's just how it works.

But knowing all the right answers doesn't help them to make any more sense.


B LOG... sniff...

i am terribly traumatized. Blog means Weblog. We blog? Why are WE blogging? what's going on? what are we talking about... oh. WEB LOG. I am SO disappointed because i thought Blog was Blah-blah plus Log, like a log of rants, rambling, and BLAH......

and i know i heard that from somewhere, and more than once, so apparently everyone is just joking and trying to be clever.

which i hate. because i am super bad at the whole joking concept.

and it has really sucked my fun out. because... it is ok to dance around singing the "blah-blah-blog!" song if that is the REAL definition, but not so much if you are tricked into the unfunny joke train, where everyone keeps making the same dumb joke and NONE of you are funny.

and i hate it when people think i am trying to be funny and just failing, because mostly i am forced to play off stupidity as "oh i was just trying to be funny" because having an inner dork is much more acceptable than having inner stupidity.

i try to play dork up a lot.

SEER page 6

Now, I do not have any REAL memory of I, Amanda Joy, being born, but I KNOW it happened, because, duh, here I am. One day, you find a blank book, well mostly blank, but the first three pages are filled in, and you LOVE to read this book, but you do not actually put anything in it yourself until you are much older, because the first entry you write is dated when you are six years old. You just read the first three pages over and over and hope Mommy will write more… but she says it’s your life, and that is when you realize that this is not just a made up story, but that these pages are TRUE!! And you probably clap your hand to your forehead or gape your jaw open or something, because you realize how dumb you have been, because you thought Mommy just wanted to be a writer and was practicing her talent and pursuing a secret dream… but as it turns out, that was not the case.

Personal Journal of Amanda Joy as kept by her parents….

March 3, 1980.
I am very frustrated by the demands society places on me. Why can’t I do what I want to do? Mommy wants me to eat some sort of blah stuff from a jar when I make it very clear that I want to eat the same thing Daddy is (green chilie burritos). Mommy’s learning though… today I had soup and cottage cheese with crackers instead of that yucky “High Meat Beef Dinner”. One point for me. I like to kick my ball around and read but I hate to sit still in church. Yesterday, with that new schedule I caused such a ruckus they had to bring me home. (Ha! Ha!) Papa, Grandmother and Jill came home from Utah last night. I went to Papa’s house today because our heater is off and had such a good time with Aunt Jill. I love Aunt Jill—she makes funny noises and plays with me a lot.

August 20, 1980.
Gee, it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything in here! Sorry, but I’ve been so busy Got back from visiting my Grandma and Grandpa Farnsworth in Arizona a few weeks ago—I can’t stand my cousin Alex—he’s a brat! I liked seeing everyone out there but I sorta got sick from something—I don’t know what. Had a bad time for about 6 weeks. I’m better now. “Joel” and “Ju Ju” are home from school for a couple weeks—they are amazed at how well I can speak—what did they expect!? I can make sentences very well and like to pick out the letters O, P, & T on stop signs and things. I’m also becoming a very good cook and housekeeper.

June 19, 1981.
I thought Mommy would never get around to writing in this journal again—I know I keep her busy but this is ridiculous! So much has happened since the last entry that I don’t even know where to begin. My vocabulary, of course, is about as good as Mommy’s. I’m a little more polite though—I have to keep reminding her to say “yes m’am” instead of “uh-huh” or “yeah” she’s pretty hard to train. My best friend in the whole world is Jessie Staska. I love her. We try to play at least once a week and we, of course, see each other in the nursery on Sundays. When Jessie’s not available I have plenty of other friends to play with. I have a whole army of imaginary friends that hang around. BooBoo & Bobbie are the main ones but Big John-John and Little John-John are usually around too. Little John-John always does everything bad. BoopieDoo and her mommy BettySue come over sometimes. Back-back and Baseball do too. I have lots of them. This week has been a very important one for me. Jessie and I started swimming lessons on Monday. My teacher was Doug; Jessie’s teacher was Pam. It has been a very hard week. I screamed and fought the whole time during my first lesson. After that I begged and pleaded with Mommy not to make me go. I told her that the car wouldn’t start, that Doug was sick, that there were bees and whales and green sharks in the pool, but she made me go anyway. Today was the last day. I was still very “ascared” but I listened to my teacher & really started moving along. In order to complete my lessons I had to be dropped off the diving board and find the side of the pool. I did it two times with no problem! Afterwards Doug game me a certificate that says “I’m a Minnow.” I am so proud of myself.

The only REAL memories you have left are just fragments, so you DO remember the fear, fear that you were going to drown. But you don’t remember what you said exactly about bees or whales, you just KNEW there was something hiding in that water that wanted to kill you. So you guessed that it might be something that would want to eat you, the little minnow fish, and so maybe it could be a shark, if you were supposed to be a minnow. And so, I DO recall telling Mommy there was a SHARK!! And doing a scared run-dance with my feet, but then having to get in the car anyway and drive to the pool because the scared run-dance did not work. And the second REAL thing you remember is Boo-boo and Bobbie. You can SEE those two girls right now in your head. They looked like identical twins, and they had long, straight-brown hair. ALL your imaginary friends came in pairs of some kind...

SEER page 4

That’s us.


SEER page 3

The first problem with you is vocabulary. And also maybe that you don’t have vocal cords to speak, even if you did know English, which you don’t, but you are going to need to, because Mommy and Daddy are not bi-lingual, just American.

So the first problem, is, that you cannot read the title of this, your own book. (This one right here that I am writing you.) The second problem, is that I/you am now 28, and so even when you learn to read, I will not have found you yet to tell you about it, and you will still have 26&1/2 years to wait. So… sorry about that.

Hopefully, the whole time-travel thing will get solved soon and all your confusion about God, and free-will, and good and evil, and the dinosaurs, and aliens, and the space-time continuum, and the speed of light will be cleared up better too, but for now, you’ll have to start here.


How retarded am I?

Ok, so I JUST put this little pagie here, trying to preen in my feel of organization and savvy-- (woohoo i made a blog all by myself instead of just using a blog feature on some other site, blah, blah) --and this is how retarded i am...

i thought, hey, i should round up all the random posties i have made in the last month so they are all HERE! and then... i got all panicky because i didn't want to CHEAT because posting something i had already written BEFORE was so totally CHEATING and i got all stressed about it...

and i freaking love to call everything retarded, which i may have to address if any stupid people read this, but hopefully the whole world has watched South Park by now, and already learned that moral from Timmy.

The Lingo

So, the first time I heard the term Aspie and... wait, no. the FIRST time I heard Aspie, lets be honest and not creative here... I just thought "oooh look, like AS PIE! Hey pie is good. Aspie! Aspie! YAY FOR PIE!!!"

and then I read about what an Aspie is, definition wise, and I thought... "oh. my. I AM AN ASPIE!"

and then i thought... hey... that rhymes...

BUT THE POINT, which i am forgetting, IS that definitions are important to know... so this is first... (or like, fifth, but yeah)

ASPIE: means a person with Aspergers Syndrome. But Aspie is way cuter and friendlier than SYNDROME, and plus shorter to type.

NT: means a person who is Neurotypical, or NOT an Aspie. This threw me at first because I thought it might mean "NOT typical" and if NTs are normal and typical, then they should just get one letter, but maybe an N or a T made up "NT" and that is why it is so confusing.

I am going to Label some posts Aspie and some NT because when I speak in what i feel is my REAL voice, most people tend to think i am being silly or melodramatic or stupid or purposely difficult... so I have tried to learn to be and speak "NT" way, which I always just thought of as "learning to fake human" before I heard the term Aspie.