Ok. Goal #1...

My mom sent me a link about a month ago.
For a magazine contest thingy.

1500 words. Deadline is Sept 6th.

I haven't written anything yet, because no idea has really STRUCK me.

But, my mom pointed out that just doing it would be a good thing. An accomplishment, even if it's just 1500 words of crap.

So i am going to try to work on that.
Come up with 1500 words of SOMETHING at least, within the next 2 weeks.

SEER (Chris. excerpts pages 3 and 5 and 6)

Today you realize you don’t know any other ME’s… besides ME and FREEDMAN. And Freedman will not abandon you—so what or who do you have to lose by radically changing how you act??

Today a boy got on your bus and he is tall and cute and the-end of the story.

Today he is Chris Palmer, and he is still tall and cute, but he has made fun of you once or twice and hurt your feelings.

Today is more of the same, and so, since Chris Palmer, ALREADY dislikes you; you decide to see if you can, in fact, change the world.

And you decide to start your experiment with this very small piece of the world that has high school and Chris Palmer in it. And you decide that perhaps, the first trick might be to let the craziness in your head peek out MORE, because that is where all the fun is hiding. And so, you decide to think like a stalker and figure out where Chris is all day, because right now you have only noticed that one hour of his day.

Today you almost quit because you feel stupid… but you are very bored… so… you tell yourself sternly that it is perfectly ok to be a stalker, because you are trying an experiment and it is scientific, and anyway, you are not a BAD-stalker because you are not going to kill anyone or watch them undress—you are just stalking during SCHOOL HOURS ONLY, and you are keeping yourself entertained and out of trouble and stuff, and that is very important.

And plus, it is very FUN.


Today is thinking. And it is a very long day.

And you realize that you DO really just want Chris to be happy. And you mean it. And you THOUGHT that you wanted that all along… but maybe you were looking at him too much like a lab rat or a guinea pig.

In the beginning, you weren’t trying to HURT him, but you did not have his best interests at the top of the list, just… sort of near the top. But all that stalking really paid off, because it made you SEE Chris. And even though you do not SEE all of him clear, you DO know a little bit, because you are SURE you SEE the ME-part of Chris peeking out from inside. And now the plan has changed.

Yesterday, you wondered if you could change the world. And you asked God for some help about Chris.

You explained that you did not want God to make him fall in love with you or do anything drastic so you could suck him into an evil plan or anything BAD.

You would just rather try the experiment out on a cute boy instead of an ugly girl—because it is easier to stay focused on a cute boy.

But you will try to remember the ugly girls next. And, they will be happier and less depressed about being ugly if you can introduce them to interesting guys, so it really would be better to try and get Chris on your side first.

But also, you are not OPPOSED to kissing or whatever if it should come up in the future. Just that, it is not your primary goal.

And sad, misfit people are too easy to befriend, so you would really like a good challenge, such as a cute, tall, popular guy. Because outcasts and losers are too close to being ME’s already. So, can’t God help you think of a plan, and can’t he help Chris to notice you a LITTLE?

But now the plan has changed. Because you can see him in there. And now you just want him to GET OUT!

Because you see him enough to love him a little bit, enough to care about him more than your game.

So, today, you pray FOR REAL. Just for Chris and not you at all, and you just ask God to make sure he is happy and becomes himself. And you ask if you can help. And you feel very calm. And you know for sure that something will happen tomorrow, and you tell God to help you say something good and not stupid.

And the next morning, you go to school, and suddenly, in 2nd hour Debate class, you feel like, kNOW it is TIME and you need to GO NOW! And you jump up and ask for a hall pass, and as soon as the door shuts behind you, you start running as fast as you can.


Today you ask to have a hall pass, but you don’t want to lie, so you say you are going to the bathroom, and so you tag the bathroom as you run by, so that it is not really a lie, but you only have a few minutes so you can’t actually waste time by going all the way inside.

And today is running, running, running.

And today is reaching the second floor of the school, and jumping up onto a bench.

And today is being thankful for the floor being completely empty, and also for the 30 seconds you get to catch your breath and compose yourself before a door opens and Chris walks in on you.

And you almost scream with delight, but you SMASH that joy down, just a little, because you need to be able to speak—and so it was very good that you saw him first and turned your face away, but kept your arms up like a plane, and now he has come to a dead stop in front of your bench.

And you DROP your expression, and TRY to appear calm-wide-eyed-thoughtful-dreamy-spacey- or whatever. And the 1st thing Chris says is, “How long have you been up there?”

And you HAVE to grin, you just can’t help it, because that is SO funny and you want to put your hands on your hips and yell, “AT LEAST TWO WHOLE WEEKS AND WHAT THE HECK TOOK YOU SO LONG TO PAY ATTENTION!!??”

… but of course you can not scream that in his face because that would be very counter-productive, and just scare him away, but you can’t contain the GRIN, and so you TRY to pay attention to the question and not laugh.

And you SEE that he just means how long have you been standing up on the bench, because you were walking in a circle on the bench with your arms open wide.

And you SEE that if you answer, “20 seconds,” he could get scared that you might have just run all the way there to meet him, which you DID, but if you even calmly say you were waiting for him, that could give much too flirty of an impression as well… and you realize you better say something quick or he will lose interest.

So you simply shrug. And smile. And say, “Because I am a plane.”

And Chris asks another question. And the question is, “Why are you a plane?”

And you SEE that THAT is the EXACT right next-question to KNOW!! Because you KNOW instantly and without thought to respond with, “Because I can fly!”

Chris: “Um… why can you fly?”

Amanda: I was born that way. I don’t know. But I KNOW I can fly. And planes fly. So, since I can fly, I must be a plane.

Chris: But why a plane?

Amanda(keeps walking in a circle): That’s just what I AM… I am a PLANE… I FLY… SEE?

Chris: But why are you a plane right here?
Amanda: I just am. Why, what’s wrong with here?

Chris: Well, why aren’t you in the AIR or something, if you are a PLANE?

Amanda: You mean, like, why don’t I take a bunch of people to Arizona or ship bananas or something?

Chris: Um… yeah. Why don’t you do that?

Amanda: Well. Because I am talking to you right now… I can ship bananas later.

Chris: But why do you want to talk to me right now?

Amanda: Well… don’t you consider yourself more interesting than a banana? I don’t know. Maybe you’re not. Maybe you are just a banana and I am just crazy. But even though I am crazy, I am also a plane, and so I feel confident that you must have a lot of potential as well, and so you must be higher up on the food chain too… because you DID start talking to ME, so there’s hope for you... so… do you want to be a plane too?

Chris: (laughs) Wow… that kind of made sense in a crazy way… sure. I guess so.

Amanda: Then just step up here, onto the bench, or onto that bench there, and you can be a plane too!

Chris: Um… I can’t . I’ve been out of class too long already. HEY! Why aren’t YOU in class??

Amanda(shrugs): I am being a plane instead.

Chris: Oh. Well, ok. Goodbye.

Amanda: Goodbye! (and you do let this smile have a little bit of flirt in it)

And Chris has made an excellent point about the time, and you DO need to be back in class. But the worry does not bother you yet because you are so excited about how well that conversation went, because WOW! That was a LOT of days packed into 5 minutes or however long it was…

And for RIGHT kNOW still, Chris is still the most important thing, and so you do not jump down and run back to class yet because you want to maintain the intrigue you have just built up, so you keep walking in a slow circle with your arms out, until you are SURE he is gone, and THEN you jump down and run as fast as you can back to class, and you HOPE he wonders how long you stayed up there after he left.


SEER (2nd Chris page)

Today you learn that your “I-AM-SO-HAPPY-JOY-PEEK!” smile, is not clear to other people and that, instead, they see something more like, “THAT-SCARY-NOT-ME-CRAZY-STUPID-FEAR-BAD-KNOW-NOT-YET-KILL-HATE-GIRL-IS-STARING-AT-US!”

…or whatever. But today you decide you just need to go with crazy.

Today you walk by Chris Palmer at lunch with your arms outstretched wide like your smile…

And today… still nothing.

But, TODAY, he notices and says, “Why are you doing that?”

And you face him directly. And pause carefully before you answer. (So he will remember the smile part later.) And you split-grin-smile and you GUSH out your mouth, “I AM A PLANE!”

And he just shakes his head and walks away.

...let your tongue drip down my neck.
razor taste buds chopping at my skin.
tiny chewing chainsaws.
i am smeared across your chin,
swallow pieces of me slowly.
thousands of tiny black fists.
rising up in a wave of thick-tar darkness.
crashing screaming knuckles against my skull.
help me.
wet indifference.
bubbles up from my center.
fighting to spill out my eyes.
i cage it violently with a smile.
too thick to leak between my teeth.
help me rip me tear me break me rape me cut me kick me hit me hate me.
slice me open, i don't care.
just touch me somehow.
i want to suck your insides out.
i want to put them in my mouth.

SEER (1st F-word page)

And when you start school, you don’t know what this “F-word” is that everyone keeps talking about, but you think you should find out because it sounds very important, and like you might be baby-dumb because you don’t know.

And later, when you try to be silly in an attempt to get more information, like, when someone brings up the F-word, you are dumb ON PURPOSE and in an exaggerated manner, and you roll your eyes and say, “Oh, yeah. That crazy F-word... ha ha! What’s the matter with you guys? Are you dumb babies? You don’t like Fun? What’s wrong with Fun? Freedom? Fantastical-Fruit-loops? Fabulous-Frogs? Frog eating Fruit-loops, and Fruit-loop eating Frogs? Gosh, you guys are boring.”

And this does work to some degree, because they jeer at you and say stuff like, “NOOOO! YOU are a dumb baby shit head because that is not F-words!”

And you interrupt, and point out that, um, YEAH, they ARE because they all start with F, duh, making them EXACTLY F-words. So, what, their F-word has the F in the middle? Like beFore? aFter? Yeah, THAT sounds sensible.

And they say, “F**K stupid girl, F**K is the F-word, girl! What kinda mamma you got anyway? Probably some stupid blond bitch that make you a lunch every day, shoot.”

But that is not actually very helpful, because you still do not know what this f**k-word is and what it MEANS, because you have never heard it before you start school. And so you just inform these hooligans that, NO your Mommy is NOT blond, she has dark BROWN hair, but YES she DOES make your lunch every day, because school lunch is gross.

And you have no idea how a WORD can be BAD... unless it is like a spell or magic or something and can actually kill someone with it’s power...

You know about RUDE, and how please and thanks are better than a grunt noise, even though they take more time, but RUDE is just not-polite, and BAD is wrong and evil and not-RIGHT.

And when you are maybe about 6, you are extremely traumatized by your mother and the F-word. You are in Arizona visiting your Grandparents, and there is a girl there for you to play with and she thinks she hears you say f**k, but you don’t, you say some other word, but she thinks you say f**k instead, and so that is how the subject comes up.

And so you ask her about this F-word and hope she will give you a straight answer, and she just tells you that her Mom will spank her butt if she says that word, but that’s all she will tell you, so you guess that she doesn’t know what it means either, and you are a little stunned by this because YOUR MOM has never told you to not say it, and so, you wonder why you don’t just say it all the time, and why your Mommy has never explained about f**k before...

And Grandma comes in and you ask HER about it, and she gives you a very excellent answer, because she is a lunch-lady in Arizona and makes food in the cafeteria, and she knows all about f**k, because the school kids in Arizona say it too!

And she explains that it is just RUDE! Just rude and not-nice! And a not-polite thing to say, so you feel hugely relieved and think that’s all there is to f**k, and so now you want to play some more Monopoly-board-game with your friend.

But Mommy disillusions you very quick, and storms in that room and furious yell-whispers at you! And says she is SO disappointed in you! And HOW could you be so BAD and EMBARRASS her like that in front of GRANDMA!!!

And you are very confused and the mommy does not speak to you for days and gives you the cold shoulder and the silent treatment because you are stupid and bad and evil and apparently there is more to F**K than you realized, and it must have magical evil powers after all.

And the entirety of the mommy’s explanation is this: “Because! Because! Just Because Amanda!! Boys think that they can take all the clothes off of girls that use that word!!”

Which confuses you even more, because, really mom! What kind of a f**king crazy answer is that? That is no f**king reason at all! And, in fact, is one of the f**king stupidest f**king things you will ever f**king hear, ever in your whole f**ked up f**k of a life.

And that is a Fact.

And it is not until HIGH SCHOOL, when you learn more about the Anglo-Saxons and linguistics and the origin of swear words and ideas about honor in your HISTORY classes, and also the idea of, like, ok, like, words, like, as like, FILLER words, like, you know? And how f**k is perfectly fine to say in England, but bloody is very bad, but you can say bloody all bloody day in bloody America and no one gives a f**k, but do NOT say it in England, like, ok?

But high school is still very far away when the f-word first happens to you, so it is very good luck that you find the book Catcher in the Rye when you are in 2nd or 3rd grade... because the main character in that book, Holden Caulfield, helps you figure LIFE out a lot.

For example, he swears LOTS, but also gets mad one time when he sees a “F**k You” written on a wall, and he erases it, because he doesn’t want his little sister to see it, and then he gets very depressed and mad, because there are SO MANY F**k-you’s in the world, he can not rub them all out, and he can not protect her.

And you are pretty young, like his sister, and he is very old, because he is a teenager already and all grown-up, and you feel sad for Holden because he is such a good guy, even though he swears a lot and even though he pays to have sex with a prostitute, but then chickens out and gets beat up by her pimp instead, but STILL he is so nice and you wish you could hug him and tell him thanks for erasing that ONE f**k-you, and even though f**k caught up to you anyway, you are glad he made the effort about that other one.


aug. 13, 2009

i don't know i don't know i don't know.

....if your bored, then you're boring... the agony and the irony, are killing me well...

alone. is good. it's calmer. less to be angry about.

but, more to be sad.

garret has been gone 4 days? 5? something like that. so, no human contact. (except via computer, but that is not the same and does not count.)

time is all blurry-slurry, the way it goes when there are no reference points to anchor it down.

i have no dreams.

if i possessed more hope or delusion, i'd be a happier person.

i think i WANT to be happier... everyone wants to be happy, right?

(i mean, yeah, ok, i continue to hang around in unhappiness/mediocrity, so psychologically i could be clinging to that on purpose for some stupid reason.

but. as safe or as justifying or as whatever, as plodding misery may be, i'm sure at least part of my brain is bright enough to desire the party line.)

ok. so. happiness = yay, good.

happy people, have goals and dreams.

i don't have a lot of important goals, because, when i make goals, i usually fail, and then i feel even worse.

i don't have any dreams, because i'm not delusional enough. a dream has to have at least a fractional chance of coming true for it to be satisfying to think about.

like, it's no good wishing to win the lottery or that a magical door will suddenly appear in my closet and take me to Narnia. i might have some passing thoughts about that kind of thing- gee, winning a ton of money would be awesome... but, the thought is not going to sustain me.

i used to dream about pretty run of the mill stuff. find soul mate, do awesome stuff together, he'd be smart and successful at something, so would i, have a kid or two, etc.

ok, so that dream is gone. get over it and quit whining, right? except, i don't know how exactly to move forward... i don't know how to get out of the rut that is my life.

i suppose this circles me back to trying to think of a goal to work on...

hmmm. well, i like the idea of writing, but i don't so much write as just talk about myself.

"Writers, write." and i, don't (much).

like, my SEER stuff is something that i have actually written some of, and not just a half-formed idea for something i could write... (i am full of pieces of ideas but no accomplishments.) but like i said, it's basically just an autobiography, not the next teen fiction bestseller.

i suck. i can't even think up any goals, let alone accomplish them. bleh.