And when you start school, you don’t know what this “F-word” is that everyone keeps talking about, but you think you should find out because it sounds very important, and like you might be baby-dumb because you don’t know.
And later, when you try to be silly in an attempt to get more information, like, when someone brings up the F-word, you are dumb ON PURPOSE and in an exaggerated manner, and you roll your eyes and say, “Oh, yeah. That crazy F-word... ha ha! What’s the matter with you guys? Are you dumb babies? You don’t like Fun? What’s wrong with Fun? Freedom? Fantastical-Fruit-loops? Fabulous-Frogs? Frog eating Fruit-loops, and Fruit-loop eating Frogs? Gosh, you guys are boring.”
And this does work to some degree, because they jeer at you and say stuff like, “NOOOO! YOU are a dumb baby shit head because that is not F-words!”
And you interrupt, and point out that, um, YEAH, they ARE because they all start with F, duh, making them EXACTLY F-words. So, what, their F-word has the F in the middle? Like beFore? aFter? Yeah, THAT sounds sensible.
And they say, “F**K stupid girl, F**K is the F-word, girl! What kinda mamma you got anyway? Probably some stupid blond bitch that make you a lunch every day, shoot.”
But that is not actually very helpful, because you still do not know what this f**k-word is and what it MEANS, because you have never heard it before you start school. And so you just inform these hooligans that, NO your Mommy is NOT blond, she has dark BROWN hair, but YES she DOES make your lunch every day, because school lunch is gross.
And you have no idea how a WORD can be BAD... unless it is like a spell or magic or something and can actually kill someone with it’s power...
You know about RUDE, and how please and thanks are better than a grunt noise, even though they take more time, but RUDE is just not-polite, and BAD is wrong and evil and not-RIGHT.
And when you are maybe about 6, you are extremely traumatized by your mother and the F-word. You are in Arizona visiting your Grandparents, and there is a girl there for you to play with and she thinks she hears you say f**k, but you don’t, you say some other word, but she thinks you say f**k instead, and so that is how the subject comes up.
And so you ask her about this F-word and hope she will give you a straight answer, and she just tells you that her Mom will spank her butt if she says that word, but that’s all she will tell you, so you guess that she doesn’t know what it means either, and you are a little stunned by this because YOUR MOM has never told you to not say it, and so, you wonder why you don’t just say it all the time, and why your Mommy has never explained about f**k before...
And Grandma comes in and you ask HER about it, and she gives you a very excellent answer, because she is a lunch-lady in Arizona and makes food in the cafeteria, and she knows all about f**k, because the school kids in Arizona say it too!
And she explains that it is just RUDE! Just rude and not-nice! And a not-polite thing to say, so you feel hugely relieved and think that’s all there is to f**k, and so now you want to play some more Monopoly-board-game with your friend.
But Mommy disillusions you very quick, and storms in that room and furious yell-whispers at you! And says she is SO disappointed in you! And HOW could you be so BAD and EMBARRASS her like that in front of GRANDMA!!!
And you are very confused and the mommy does not speak to you for days and gives you the cold shoulder and the silent treatment because you are stupid and bad and evil and apparently there is more to F**K than you realized, and it must have magical evil powers after all.
And the entirety of the mommy’s explanation is this: “Because! Because! Just Because Amanda!! Boys think that they can take all the clothes off of girls that use that word!!”
Which confuses you even more, because, really mom! What kind of a f**king crazy answer is that? That is no f**king reason at all! And, in fact, is one of the f**king stupidest f**king things you will ever f**king hear, ever in your whole f**ked up f**k of a life.
And that is a Fact.
And it is not until HIGH SCHOOL, when you learn more about the Anglo-Saxons and linguistics and the origin of swear words and ideas about honor in your HISTORY classes, and also the idea of, like, ok, like, words, like, as like, FILLER words, like, you know? And how f**k is perfectly fine to say in England, but bloody is very bad, but you can say bloody all bloody day in bloody America and no one gives a f**k, but do NOT say it in England, like, ok?
But high school is still very far away when the f-word first happens to you, so it is very good luck that you find the book Catcher in the Rye when you are in 2nd or 3rd grade... because the main character in that book, Holden Caulfield, helps you figure LIFE out a lot.
For example, he swears LOTS, but also gets mad one time when he sees a “F**k You” written on a wall, and he erases it, because he doesn’t want his little sister to see it, and then he gets very depressed and mad, because there are SO MANY F**k-you’s in the world, he can not rub them all out, and he can not protect her.
And you are pretty young, like his sister, and he is very old, because he is a teenager already and all grown-up, and you feel sad for Holden because he is such a good guy, even though he swears a lot and even though he pays to have sex with a prostitute, but then chickens out and gets beat up by her pimp instead, but STILL he is so nice and you wish you could hug him and tell him thanks for erasing that ONE f**k-you, and even though f**k caught up to you anyway, you are glad he made the effort about that other one.