aug. 13, 2009

i don't know i don't know i don't know.

....if your bored, then you're boring... the agony and the irony, are killing me well...

alone. is good. it's calmer. less to be angry about.

but, more to be sad.

garret has been gone 4 days? 5? something like that. so, no human contact. (except via computer, but that is not the same and does not count.)

time is all blurry-slurry, the way it goes when there are no reference points to anchor it down.

i have no dreams.

if i possessed more hope or delusion, i'd be a happier person.

i think i WANT to be happier... everyone wants to be happy, right?

(i mean, yeah, ok, i continue to hang around in unhappiness/mediocrity, so psychologically i could be clinging to that on purpose for some stupid reason.

but. as safe or as justifying or as whatever, as plodding misery may be, i'm sure at least part of my brain is bright enough to desire the party line.)

ok. so. happiness = yay, good.

happy people, have goals and dreams.

i don't have a lot of important goals, because, when i make goals, i usually fail, and then i feel even worse.

i don't have any dreams, because i'm not delusional enough. a dream has to have at least a fractional chance of coming true for it to be satisfying to think about.

like, it's no good wishing to win the lottery or that a magical door will suddenly appear in my closet and take me to Narnia. i might have some passing thoughts about that kind of thing- gee, winning a ton of money would be awesome... but, the thought is not going to sustain me.

i used to dream about pretty run of the mill stuff. find soul mate, do awesome stuff together, he'd be smart and successful at something, so would i, have a kid or two, etc.

ok, so that dream is gone. get over it and quit whining, right? except, i don't know how exactly to move forward... i don't know how to get out of the rut that is my life.

i suppose this circles me back to trying to think of a goal to work on...

hmmm. well, i like the idea of writing, but i don't so much write as just talk about myself.

"Writers, write." and i, don't (much).

like, my SEER stuff is something that i have actually written some of, and not just a half-formed idea for something i could write... (i am full of pieces of ideas but no accomplishments.) but like i said, it's basically just an autobiography, not the next teen fiction bestseller.

i suck. i can't even think up any goals, let alone accomplish them. bleh.


véra said...

hello from germany.

don't be silly. i love your writing. at first, i started with your first post and i read, read, read. i like it very much. so, go on. do no stop your writing.

a couple of years ago, i stopped my writing. and it never comes back. i'm very sad about that. but it's like a blockade - only in my head, my brain, my mind ... i don't know it. but it makes my angry.

i'm a aspie-woman with a aspie-child. a journalist asked my, "could you write a book about your live ..."

but i shake my head. nothing is possible for me to do, if someone wants anything from me. it's like, PDA (pathological demand avoidance). do you know about that?

so, if you are able to do, what you can, do it!

Amanda said...

thank you for your comment. i hope your writing finds you again.

no, i have not heard of PDA. but when people want things from me, i often get very anxious and sabotage the situation. like, i might be able to do a task just fine, if i do not think about it, but then if someone ASKS me to go somewhere or do something for them-- then suddenly i have a fit and stay in bed all day and "can't" do it.

véra said...

me again.

look at this side:


your examples, about what's going on, if there someone who wants something form you, is the same like PDA.

your experiences in the past gives your a feeling. it told, that you are not able to do the think, what someone want. so, your mind find a way to get out of this situation.

in the US, UK an Canada, PDA is a own diagnose.