4/18/08

Sorry Zhekai... (that i never responded to this)

zhekai said...
Cool:) I've enjoyed reading your blog. I also get the word interpretation thing...someone says 'I have misgivings' and my brain will tell me all the double-entendres and possible interpretations. So i'll think:1)Miss Givings, what about Mr and Mrs Givings? I hear they're a very giving family, etc.2) Mis-givings sounds like you tried to give something to someone, but you messed up, etc. I find that hilarious....but nobody else does, so i've learned to not say such things.Can I ask if you relate to something else?:I seem to have two modes of expression. My natural thoughts and ways of talking are very chaotic for others, so i try to make everything very ordered and logical. It means i'm always explaining myself...So i have to choose between speaking naturally and being misunderstood, or being understood but turning everything into a really boring explanation that nobody wants to hear!!!It's very frustrating. And the irony is that ordinary people, even if they dimly understand what i'm saying, don't appreciate it in the same way.Thanks for responding!


(except. it's not really never since i'm responding. but. it's still been a while.)

yes. my brain will insist on telling me every possible meaning of something before i can move onto another thought. Ms. Givings indeed. i find #2 hilarious too. people are always looking at me like i am a hopeless dork.
Me: But don't you GET IT???!!!
Them: Yep. It's NOT FUNNY.
Me: I think you are not getting it. (this part muttered secretly in my head.)

I noticed I do something and am not sure if all humans universally do this too- when people speak to me, I have to repeat the sentence internally before i HEAR it. Sometimes this results in long, long pauses before i respond because I have to get through the Givings family Tree, then listen to a detour about the book The Giving Tree. Green cover. I like green. And then I have to "read" back the last thing said to me.

And yes, I have what I think of as my natural voice and then the "correct" way to talk. I always feel like I don't really speak English, I am just constantly translating. People miss the one version and are bored by the dissection process of the other. Like today, people were talking and I asked an either/or question-- "oh, are you collecting this or that?" and the answer was a both. so then i said they collected stone birds. but that did not make sense. they were like, what the hell is a stone bird? (the expression "kill two birds with one stone" combined itself into one stone, and then paralleled to the "both" in question.)

To me, that's not a joke, not trying to get a laugh exactly, just feel like it conveys lots of idea tangled into a short thing. But it doesn't really. I have "met" a couple Aspies online who get my twisted shorthand and love to talk in a combination of amanda-speak and them-too-speak, but most people do not appreciate it. Which, i can understand, because the explanation of things bores me too, the fun is in the breadcrumbs... play with me... follow me...

9 comments:

zhekai said...

Firstly, I'm really happy that you responded. I wasn't expecting it. I assumed (as i often do) that i must have done something wrong. Even if i think i haven't, i'll still feel that i have, until evidence says otherwise.

I'm not sure why i'm so happy about it...maybe it's because i can relate to much of what you're saying, and that you can relate to me. It's a change from relating to nobody, and having nobody relate to me.

since i commented last time, i joined the livejournal asperger community. The people there seem to understand too. (my posts are only visible to members.)

Second:
I sometimes have to repeat things until they make sense to me; but what i notice more often is that i have to mentally assemble the meaning of other people's words. It's like threading the words together, to make sure i properly understand.

However, i've gotten really good at this, because i always direct 100% attention to other people's words. Nowadays, i can usually end people's sentences for them, in my head of course.

third:
stone birds. I do that only around people i know well enough. Actually, now that i think about it, they're usually a play on a well known phrase or cliche.

I think i've really taught myself to always explain, which is why even this comment somehow reeks of explanation.

actually...most of my conversations consist of explaining or seeking to understand. I guess it's very demoralising. This is probably the same as what you call 'translating'.

I'm so used to my comments not making sense, i've already rewritten this twice. But i still think it's not right (write) but i don't have the energy to try and fill all the gaps now.

I'll go now. Thanks again for taking the time to respond to me.

zhekai said...

happy mood has evaporated...
Now it seems rude of me to ask you 'explain yourself' questions on your own blog.

Amanda said...

come back happy mood! i like people who explain, and i like people that seek to understand. nothing about that is rude or negative. my brain is feeling very one-track right this second, so i need to go make a new post right now-- but i have more response to what you said, which i hopefully will get around to explaining. YOU reek??? oh please. i just prefaced my future explanation with an explanation. ;)

zhekai said...

Well, i guess it's just my frustration. Explaining is like translating, but it's all i can do. I never seem to speak in my native language.
So i feel like i belong in a different world. This world is intrinsically difficult.

I also have a tendency to question my actions. Hence, am i simply writing to you to reaffirm my existence? Am i looking for a particular response that can bolster my identity? Isn't that just selfish?

And right now, am i writing these questions so that someone else can face my doubts and give me support? Or am i just thinking 'aloud' and wanting an audience?

*sigh* I don't know. Maybe this kind of self-doubt is also an aspie trait.

My mind just said it's like this: when a part doesn't fit into the whole, you take it out and examine it, in case there's something wrong with the part. But in this case, there's nothing wrong with the part, it just belongs to a different set.

So not fitting in, and doubting myself are related like that.

But after all that, i can't explain why i'm posting this, beyond the feeling that i should.

Maybe i should make my own blog and stop stealing space on yours ;)
thanks for listening.

Amanda said...

luckily, SPACE is infinite and all, so it probably can't be stolen... i don't think i care what secret motivation you have for posting comments, i like to look at parts of the HOLE too. puzzle pieces. all to different puzzles. there is nothing wrong about the square of grass, but it does not match the rest of the scene, and so i like to look at it and think about what the picture it came from might look like, and if the grass really is greener or if this piece in comparison is actually brown... and anyway, what is wrong with being selfish??? seems to me that a certain amount of "selfishness" is healthy. if you don't fit in, you are just in the wrong puzzle. you do not belong next to that bit of earlobe. everyone needs an audience some of the time, and life is too often a performance that falls on deaf ears. glad you have found some of the right puzzles in the online aspie community-- it's nice when people laugh and applaud in the right places... ENCORE! :)

zhekai said...

i've run out of questions, and lately i'm sick of understanding. I'm too intense, and i know it, but until i learned about AS i never knew why.

I'm glad you reply to me.

Someone told me all i need to do is coast. No achievements or great efforts, nothing to worry about, and nothing to think too much about.

Thinking is like filling the HOLE, or as someone wrote: trying to build a bridge across the ocean.

I tried to take their advice, so i printed out the chinese character for shore and stuck it on my wall, so i could look at it and remember to coast. That was a year ago, and a year later i'm learning to coast again.

I think the only hope i have comes in the occasional experience of peace and happiness, and the thought that a place might exist somewhere i can go back to and be happy like that.

Until then, thinking fills the void. Understanding gives a temporary sense of fullness and control.

But nothing in the realm of thoughts can give me lasting satisfaction.

Or so i've learned.

I must now be in a very whimsical mood.
I appreciate you being HEAR to listen. I used to talk to people on the net a few years ago. I'd forgotten the goodness that can be found in anonymous conversations, except that its not truly anonymous because we all create impressions of the people we talk to, and know at least that we have commonalities.

You're right that there's a healthy level of selfishness. I've also been told that i need to trust myself more, which means resisting the urge to delete this comment and rewrite it more conservatively, to the point, probably impersonal...

I'm also close to the point of proper diagnosis, which will help me to know what kind of puzzle this is after all.

Amanda said...

i have no response to that. just... silence. perfection. yay! i am glad you exist. hear, sea, coast, Drifter... hug. kiss. love in your general direction. :)

Amanda said...

oh. and that i wish you had skype, since i am feeling chatty today. do not coast. SAIL. wreck, crash, BE.

zhekai said...

i have an old skype account.
i guess if you put together om and zi and nac without spaces (not a real word either) you'll be able to find me. Not trying to be clever, just not sure about typing complete contact name on open blog.
Also, by chat, you mean chat, right? cos talking too scary, agreed?