Dreamed last night. (Or day, since I read Mansfield Park and so didn't go to sleep until just before dawn.) I dreamed i was obsessed with Genies. Djinni? And i was sitting at a school desk, but it was not a school setting. Some one's house, and there were lots of people milling around. My brother was sitting at a desk in front of me, turned around in the seat, and i was telling him all about Genies and bottles filled up with them. And I kept getting yelled at for talking, but not by a teacher because there wasn't one, i guess by family, because my mom and dad were there, and some other extended family i dislike and/or barely know/knew. And so i wasn't allowed to talk to him anymore and i had to go into the kitchen and sit and my back was to the room and i hate that and people kept walking behind me and tripping over me or putting there hand on my shoulder to steady themselves and i got way stressed and went outside, and got yelled at by my dad, i can't remember what he said, just everyone was mad at me for going outside and making a scene.
anyway, it was an upsetting dream. and i got in a fight with Garret afterward because i yelled at him when i was trying to think and he kept interrupting me, and so he was mad and so then i just wanted it to be resolved and over, and i really hate that people don't accept that and think i am pouting or being manipulative or whatever because really and truly i just want people to GO AWAY and they WON'T and then things DO turn into a huge fight because they keep talking and the more they keep talking at me the more agitated i get so that then i AM mad. it's so stupid but i keep repeating this pattern with multiple people. sometimes i will say ANYTHING to make them LEAVE, i am mean and say horrible things just so they will get mad enough to leave me alone, and so i FAKE being all mad and scream and have to throw a fit so they will SHUT-UP, and then i do not feel the least bit bad about it. (we really didn't get in THAT bad of a fight today, i was just thinking about the whole pattern of it as i was lying under the bed) all i feel when someone stalks off crying or slams the front door on me is CALM. nice peaceful calm RELIEF. it seems like a lot of unnecessary drama. if people would just go away in the first place and wait for me to return instead of following me around and talking through doors or whatever, then they would be happier and i would be happier and so why don't people just LISTEN when i explain (later when i can talk) that they should just let me crawl under the bed and talk to the cat?
See, this i why i don't believe OTHER people now when they say they are not mad, because since people don't leave ME alone, it must mean THEY are really mad when they say they are not, because otherwise, why do they disbelieve me?