Which came first? Egg the Chicken on.

i feel thoughtful.

i have been thinking about this dream, a dream that wasn't even mine, but i was in it. and i had this feeling that real life was going to end like the dream. and it just did.

so when that first struck me, 10 minutes ago, i wondered if i caused it to happen because i had been feeling anxious/suspicious about the dream to begin with... but i am pretty sure i would have reacted the same as i did regardless.

so i am thinking about winning and losing, backing down, saving face, etc.

i would rather be right than happy.

now, i can see that that's idiotic... because logically, if i am UNhappy, then i am losing anyway, right? i don't know why i persist in this. but i know it to be true about myself. i have my own strange rules about things and my own definitions of WINNING. maybe it's a dissociating thing because i feel perfectly calm, not sad, just calm. but i know that yesterday i would have been sad.

i like things to be black and white, clear cut. ultimatums are things that are easy. you ask a question, someone gives you an answer...

i end a lot of arguments with, "Fine. You can win then."

i guess i just don't count my own loss all the time. if we BOTH lose, then i still feel ok. apparently, i would make an excellent suicide bomber.