Fear. Anger. Quitting.

My heart is racing, I'm shaking & dizzy. It's like a weird, in-between panic attack. I'm not gasping for air or having chest pains like a full-blown panic attack-- just shaking, shaking.

I'm afraid 100% of the time, and since I hate that, I end up angry 100% of the time, since anger is slightly better.

Online people ought to be safer. They aren't as real. They're nicely two-dimensional. I get just as angry and afraid from online confrontation though.

Garret always asks me just what exactly it is that I think people are going to do... I don't know.

I just hate this sick, awful feeling. And I can't stand very much of it. So I quit most things. Because most things deal with people. And people cause it.

I am often afraid that I'm going to be a serial killer. When I think about people dying and screaming, I feel calmer. Soothed. It makes me laugh. Makes the anger and the panic stop.


zhekai said...

I've had the exact same experience, an ambiguous fear and foreboding that comes on whenever i have to deal with people - though close friends in familiar situations are okay.

If i have to meet new people in a social setting, my mind says "okay, these people might like me, hate me, or be indifferent. Like and indifferent are good, but hate is scary, so we must do our best to avoid the hate!"

That's when i find myself apologising over nothing, or being really careful not to offend anyone. There's no reason to think they will hate me, it's just a possibility, but it's the worst possibility and that's why i direct all my efforts to avoiding it.

After a while, its the sheer *effort* of being extra nice that puts me off meeting other people. It feels like my own efforts are all that stands between politeness and hatred/aggression/mockery. And then i decide that it's not worth the effort. Its easier to avoid people.

So that's my experience. I suffer from the fear of others attacking me, and the stressful effort of being super-nice.

When i came to write this comment (before re-writing it twice) i felt like apologizing, because you might be annoyed or angry at a stranger posting here. I've got no reason to believe that, its just a possibility i want to avoid. So i feel a little bit of fear that you will shoot me down, again because it's possible.

But what if i imagine an alternative? You might be really happy to receive a comment from someone who relates to your experience? Then i don't feel afraid, i feel kinda happy. You might even find my thoughts interesting or useful, and that makes me feel even better.

In the end, i'm just imagining how you might respond. I'm trying to predict your reaction. I don't actually know anything about you, or others. I really can't predict or prejudge people...so why should i put so much faith in my predictions?

This lessens my fear. Even if i have to speak in public or confront someone, I should stop trying to predict people's responses. Then i can be myself, and however they respond is something i'll find out later. At least i won't be harming myself with fear and stress in order to avoid some possible outcome i've imagined!


Amanda said...

i am happy you made the comment. you explained it well & made me feel understood, which was helpful. thanks for making the effort for me. :)

zhekai said...

I've enjoyed reading your blog. I also get the word interpretation thing...someone says 'I have misgivings' and my brain will tell me all the double-entendres and possible interpretations. So i'll think:

1)Miss Givings, what about Mr and Mrs Givings? I hear they're a very giving family, etc.

2) Mis-givings sounds like you tried to give something to someone, but you messed up, etc. I find that hilarious....
but nobody else does, so i've learned to not say such things.

Can I ask if you relate to something else?:
I seem to have two modes of expression. My natural thoughts and ways of talking are very chaotic for others, so i try to make everything very ordered and logical. It means i'm always explaining myself...

So i have to choose between speaking naturally and being misunderstood, or being understood but turning everything into a really boring explanation that nobody wants to hear!!!

It's very frustrating. And the irony is that ordinary people, even if they dimly understand what i'm saying, don't appreciate it in the same way.

Thanks for responding!

Amanda said...

sorry i didn't respond for so long :)