6/9/08

Another shower

Maybe the emotion is leaking from my head and affecting the physical world. I was just in the shower, thinking, and the shower-head kind of exploded and gushed sideways and loud. The startle of it almost made me cry. But I didn't. But almost. And then when i picked up the shampoo, tried to pour it into my hand, i almost missed because my hand was shaking so. But i didn't miss. But almost. Sometimes i think i am all calmed down, and then i will notice how i can barely hold a towel, how i don't feel the weak and shaky until i see the towel shake.

i am racing and racing, my thoughts are pacing. i am egg. i am fragile. i am so full of thoughts and talking. Poor little caged thoughts.

i spoke to someone yesterday. they said-- i am a quiet person.
and i said-- why?

because i really wanted to know. because i wanted there to be a REASON.
but all they said back was-- because i just am.

which was not a very exciting or dramatic response. and i tried to pretend a bit, that there might be more to it, because of course, if you are quiet, and then you give a long-winded explanation as to why that is so, well, that is not very quiet. but i do not think they said "because i just am" to be ironic or funny, i think that was just the end of the story. which was disappointing.

all the real-life people i know are still imaginary in every other sense.

who are you?

1 comment:

zhekai said...

Most people can only give very superficial or prejudiced opinions of you. Either they have their own ideas and call that insight, or they just label you as you appear to them.

I've met one man who was extremely quick and accurate in his analysis of me. He basically said 'you are constantly striving to make order out of chaos'. And then 'but unless you record your ideas they will never develop'.

Reasons are wonderful. We are rational beings, and we as individuals care more than most about the reasons for things. So yeah, it's not enough to say 'you're just a quiet person' without more explanation, without putting it in context.

"you just are" is giving up.