my thoughts are fractured.
fragmented. fraction-ed. fraying. frail.
just got off the phone with my sister. talking to family usually makes me feel really lonely. too much space full of things i want to say. unsaid things they'd be bored to hear about.
bad dreams still going strong. you would think i'd strive to stay up, try to avoid sleep, try not to dream and avoid Freddy Krueger.
when i start to get more sleep-disordered, when dreams get bright-vivid-intense, i want to sleep even though the dreams are bad 99% of the time. because that other 1% is so much better than real life.
yeah, yeah, i know, that's stupid and bad. blah blah blah.
it's probably like a drug addiction. i've taken plenty of prescription drugs, but i've never done coke, heroin, lds, mushrooms, or anything like that. so arguably i'm not qualified to say. i've never taken any drug that makes me feel bliss or love or happiness.
but asleep? i have felt several emotions, pretty much all the good ones, when I was asleep, and i've never felt these emotions in real life. at least, not with the same intensity. it's one of the reasons i don't believe i'm "in love" with Garret.
of course, i love and care about Garret. you can't be around someone for years and not care about them. but it's very difficult to make sense of emotions and feelings when all of waking life is this flat, gray, tasteless dust. and love is this flat, gray, tasteless concept. but then, a handful of times, when i was sleeping, it wasn't like that at all. everything was this wet, red, vivid, plush. and Love was this wet, red, vivid scream. and even though it wasn't REAL, i still have the knowledge and the memory of the feeling. and it's hard to exist in a gray reality when you have memories like that.
i've always wished i could just sleep/dream all the time but have control of it. get really good at lucid dreaming.
sometimes i lose track of which way i'm fighting...
like, one day i might think that i should work on fixing my messed up sleep cycles. and being a bright, shiny eyed citizen of reality is the goal.
but then other days, i think-- what the hell am i trying to do that for? what's so great about living in reality? i don't particularly care if something is REAL, i care that it sucks. and i'd rather feel amazing and be able to fly even if that's "fake."
Gamma, Beta, Alpha, Theta, Delta...
I'm not really sure where to even try to correct it.
Gamma has to do with language and memory processing. Beta is wide awake. Alpha is awake but relaxed and not processing much. Theta is light sleep. Delta is deep dreamless sleep, resetting of internal clocks.
I'd guess I'm never in Delta. Theta is where you dream, so I know I'm in that one a lot.
Here's where I'm curious... if I stay up and don't get much sleep at all... sleep deprived and starting to hallucinate- what would that be? When I do that, it feels like I'm asleep, and the hallucinating part is kinda like dreaming, so can you be in Theta when you are technically awake and walking around?
Regardless. I think I'm a dream addict. Chasing a good trip despite all the bad ones.