so much so much so much that hurts that aches that grates and so much so much so much noise to filter to block, that is always drowning, drowning, drowning you...
this is why, it means so much, to have things, Just So.
teeny tiny bitty scrap speck of something you can nestle, control, hum, curl, purr inside of. a plan. a plot. a nooked secret. happiness.
yesterday we got take out from this thai place i like. and we got an extra order to have for lunch today. this was happy. something settled. something yummy. something to not have to think about anymore. mmmm curry. zip. done. delicious.
but today, it did not happen Just So. and i got very upset. i am very particular about styrofoam in the microwave. i won't eat stuff microwaved in styrofoam. no! put on plate. warm up. because, styrofoam melts. i can not stop thinking about the little styrofoam molecules that are in the food when food in a styrofoam container gets nuked. i can't eat it. i won't eat it. bad bad ruined yuck.
so that happened. because garret warmed up the food. and then we got in a fight because i wouldn't eat it. and also because i cried. and he was mad i was crying over something so small and stupid like food.
I KNOW IT'S STUPID, OK? doesn't help at all to know that. still feels... crashing, awful, ruined, death. a perfect sandcastle, almost, almost, but CRASH SMASH the wave kills it right before you get there. tiny bits of joy you try try try to carve out of sand, try to hold, try to build, small bits of something to hold onto, but. the universe is bigger. and stronger. and conspiring against you.
that feeling, when you win, when you are ahead of the mean old universe for just a second, and you get to have things how you want them, JUST SO, it's the best feeling ever. content, happy, safe.
always searching for that-- control. happiness. trying to escape the angry helplessness of no control.