What you... want with... a woman, who, won't do, what you, say.

my song is the Rage of JackOffJill and the Sadness of SageFrancis. in highschool, the Sadness used to be Nirvana. that was the song on repeat. if i listen to Nirvana or AAA or Bad Religion now, it's different. not dishonest to still call them favorites, but i only feel the memory and not the Truth that they used to feel like. my Anger has not changed much. but pretty much everything that rang in as Sadness, Defiance, or Irony is just second fiddle nostalgia to SageFrancis now.

in the shower just now, i was thinking about heaven. What you... want with... a woman, who, won't do, what you, say... been singing that line all day. (FT: singling)

heaven and happiness and songs.

i have the very strong songs for sadness and anger. have found that voice in my soul embodied. but, not Happy. there are songs i like that are about being happy, but i don't feel the happiness. i can see it, but singing along to Happy when it doesn't resonate just feels even more empty and sad. I can enjoy a fun happy song but it doesn't CONNECT like the other. there is no truth in the Happiness. i feel more happy inside a sad song because i feel the recognition of something true-correct.

so i imagine heaven as this place of Happy people. and i don't fit there because that is not my song. people exist where they are comfortable.

i just reread what i've written so far and it sounds stupid and not like what i mean to explain at all. sigh. a real song is something tangible...

i feel like this music is felt between people. where you fit. why there are some people that you click with. you have the same songs in your soul. you fit among people that are on your wavelength... sound wave.

you can't have songs that don't match. that is discord. dischord discord.

i want to grow and evolve. my sad used to be nirvana, now it has more layers to it. more wry smiles amidst the pain. i can change the tune but not the song.

churchy people, seem to be fond of blaming music for being a "bad influence" on kids/people. i feel what i feel. and yeah, what i feel a lot of is hate, so i do kinda see their point of view on that. but listening to something happy or "good" that doesn't connect just makes me feel more sad and empty. so i imagine that must be how it works for other people too.


RAnn said...

I'd like to invite you to check out my blog this week as we discuss autism. http://rannthisthat.blogspot.com. I'll have a different post every day next week.

sharon said...


I just feel compelled to comment. You have said exactly how I feel about "happy" anything. Whether it be happy songs, happy people, happy activities, or books on "how to be happy". For decades I tried to become "happy", to "fake it till you make it", to only allow myself "happy" influences. And you are right, all this did was make me feel more miserable, as it did not resonate with my core being. It did not fit with my experience of my life in this world.

When I gave up the constant "happiness project", I found a certain peace and almost joy. When I just followed my own instincts about what was right for me, (and not the NT version of what "should" be right for everyone), I gradually became content.

My life doesn't meet the common measures of success used in Western societies, but I am immeasurably happier now.

Amanda said...

Thank you Sharon, I'm glad you felt compelled to comment. The "happiness project." I like your term for it.

------------------------------------- said...

Hi Amanda,

I am on the spectrum and have really enjoyed you past posts (BTW I am a plane too!), many days when I was depressed you brought a smile to my face, thanks for being here and most of all for being yourself!

Jeffrey Bottoms

sharon said...

"so i imagine heaven as this place of Happy people. and i don't fit there because that is not my song. people exist where they are comfortable."

This is part of the reason I finally gave up my decades long involvement in Protestant Christianity. I could "change my tune" but could not change the song.

J.B. said...

very good writing here...I can relate to what you wrote. It's sad that this blog is dead, I hope you're fine

MissJamieD said...

Reading this post was like reading my own thoughts. In fact just yesterday I decided to start writing lyrics for songs because I have things to say. I've went months without listening to music because I didn't want to feel the emotion. I'm not a fabulous singer but I love to sing, it makes me feel so much of my own emotions. Oftentimes I start to cry during certain songs because I can feel the emotion of the singer.

I'm not a happy person, never have been. Its sad because I want to be happy, I have three beautiful kids that should be all I need but there's something missing. Not sure what it is, besides happiness, but there's days where I think and think and think and never get anywhere. I want to do this that and the other thing to make life enjoyable but can't seem to muster the strength.

I hope you're doing better. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. But I'm sorry to you because I know the pain. Good luck and best wishes.