Love, lust, heartbreaks, and fear... part 2... (5 hours later)

Kept Garret in the loop about my still being a fickle indecisive and confused person.

He continued to be calm, understanding, and not very upset... We had another calm discussion about my jumbled feelings. He said he'd been thinking about what to do for awhile.

He again suggested that we separate, I stay here, he stays on the road and with his Dad. He thinks we should break up for awhile and I should date a bunch of other people, and he won't date anyone because he has enough to worry about with his dad. He said that he thinks I'll probably just be reminded that all guys are jerks and then we'll get back together after I get bored of being reminded the grass isn't greener. Or, it's possible I could meet some imaginary perfect guy who is nice and trustworthy like him plus connects with me on my crazy verbal/creative/book/music level so that I feel all lovey about him too, in which case, he'll be happier if I'm happier.

I felt calm during the discussion. But I don't think I should just go date a bunch of people. I think that's dumb.

I suppose if we did split up, I should just forget about guys for a bit and just focus on being happy on my own. But, the problem is that I really don't do well with zero human contact. That's always my problem. I need a lot of physical touch and don't do well without it. But, if you aren't in a relationship, there isn't regular access to that, unless you go and sleep around with random people every day. And I don't want to do that.

Sigh. To be on my own, I'd need some kind of super physical contact sport or something to keep me calm... like roller derby or fighting or something. Sigh. I can't even roller skate. And I can't think of anything that might fall into that category within a reasonable radius of where I live...

I'm just stupid and I should quit fussing about being unhappy with Garret because I find fault with everything. Sigh.

Then, after Garret went to work, I talked to my Grandmother on the phone. And, randomly, in the middle of an unrelated conversation, (as my mind is still on Garret and how I can just get over being so unhappy, and thinking how I left Mike because I was unhappy, but then it's not like I've consistently been able to believe that was what I should have done... etc.) my grandmother is like, "I still remember that one Easter when you got the bunny you didn't like..."

(I got a purple bunny in the Easter basket. Then, I pouted because Carrie had a better one. So my Papa snuck my purple bunny away and went and exchanged it at the store for a pink one just like Carrie's. And then he gave it to me expecting me to be delighted. And then I cried my head off. Because I wanted the purple bunny back. And they were like... wtf!? We went and got you the pink one because you were pouty! But even though I'd complained, I was desperate for that stupid purple bunny back, because even though I didn't like it because it had this weird little shirt on, it was supposed to be MINE, and I had it FIRST, and even though the pink bunny was better looking and cuter, that purple one was MINE AND I NEEDED IT BACK!!!)

So yeah, God, if that is supposed to be another helpful message, it isn't. Because I suppose you could be trying to tell me that Garret is like a purple bunny and I'll regret it if I get rid of him, but that doesn't fit the story. I didn't have Garret first, so Garret is more like the pink bunny in the story.

I guess the point is that you make your bed and you have to lie in it, and even though you may want the purple bunnies back later, you can't have them back. So you better learn to like pink bunnies.

No comments: