Love, lust, heartbreaks, and fear...

i went to church today, on my own.

church is always very hard for me because it always seems to make me MORE confused about what i should do in life...

sat in the foyer and listened to the speakers, one of whom said, "faith precedes the miracle" in the midst of what they were saying, and that line hit me really strongly and made me feel like crying and hyperventilating, etc.... but i don't really know what it MEANS, you know? i was thinking about my exes and my current relationship and wanting things that don't really exist.

i also was getting a lot of "god will give you anything you want if you just ask for it" stuff, which was equally scary. even if you don't believe in god, it's like, if you go after what you want, you probably will be able to get it, BUT, i feel like... be careful what you wish for.

i feel like, how can i trust what i think i want? i should never follow my heart because it always turns out to be wrong...

like, a million years ago, i wanted mike. ok, i got him. but then i learned it wasn't as simple as that, because it didn't work out and there was a lot of frustrating and horrible and painful stuff that went down, and, well, i did not want THAT.

so then, i learned that i want, (or i thought i wanted) someone who i could absolutely trust completely and who would never ever hurt me ever.

so, i got that. poof, garret.

but it turns out i was wrong again because even though i did want someone who i could completely trust and who was patient and kind and all the other awesome things garret is, i DIDN'T actually want someone who would never ever hurt me... because it turns out i also want passion and attraction and someone who challenges me and someone who calls me on my shit and doesn't just do everything for me, asking nothing in return, and even though i don't want someone who is going to hurt me all the time, i do need someone who is CAPABLE of causing me pain, because that element is important too... if the people you love are capable of causing the greatest pain, then the inability to feel very hurt or upset is not actually a good thing...

so now, i think i want someone i can trust, but also someone who i feel that crazy obsessed "i love you" feeling for.

and that makes me really sad and guilty feeling. i keep trying to make myself feel love. i can try to be loving, i can try to be grateful, but damnit, i want that crazy heady stuff too. and i don't want to keep hearing how it's not important and lust doesn't ever last anyway, and i should just appreciate what i have...

i DO appreciate what i have. but i still want to go after what i want.

but i don't know what that means, or what that would look like.