a conversation. the parallel thoughts. and the aftermath.
The catalytic snippet of conversation:
S: I knew you were a surrealist like me :)
S: (paraphrasing) it seems like you've studied psychology and philosophy.
Me: i haven't read much philosophy, just a paragraph takes hours to think about, so i rarely make it through a book.
S: about philosophy- i know what you mean, but i like that about it, i've always liked to question everything
The internal mental commentary that paralleled at the time:
no. well, whether or not i am a surrealist is irrelevant, as what i said before you accused me of surrealism was not in fact where i was going with my thoughts. so, maybe yes. but no, not this second, and second, as in next not as in time, second, which i've now said in thirds, second, hehe, second, even if i was both a surrealist and if i was being surreal at this time, still and absolutely NO, because i would NOT, and for sure, ever be a surrealist, or an any kind of -ist, LIKE YOU, i would be entirely my own kind of -ist. no.
this is weird, it's almost a civil conversation, if still an impossible one, since she wants to make sentences fight and group all kinds of disagreeable contradictions together... philosophy? what does philosophy have to do with how i talk/type?
that would be me, not what i've read, and TRUST me, i can say that because i know the difference, i have read books so long that i have been completely drowned in the syntax and rhythm, and become an echo echo echo, dream and write and stuck-brain in someone else's words, i do this on purpose sometimes with good books, as it is pretty fascinating, but no, no i am in my own syntax today, and have NOT read anything i got stuck in lately, no philosophy for sure, so my knowledge, or lack thereof, of philosophy is irrelevant.
why does she keep putting things together that do not go? lie lie lies to throw around "I KNOW" and "I CAN TELL" kinds of statements, because she obviously does Not-know. so why doesn't she ask if she suspects, instead of phrasing things with presuppositions that are not true?
sigh. i do Not-know. so i will say- no, Not-why, and also, yes i like philosophy, in an attempt to keep up the conversation and the Civil... i haven't read much philosophy, just a paragraph takes hours to think about, so i rarely make it through a book...
MADMADMADMADMADMADMADMAD. frustratedANGERkick. resignation. sigh. surrender. i have no idea how what i said made her think that i do NOT like to question everything. i simply meant that i am only 29, and so i have not been alive long enough to have had time to think my way through BOOKS, only as far as a few pages. what does that observation have to do with LIKE? of course i like it.
talking to humans is too hard. again with the grouping. i hate being grouped. AND, if you are going to be presumptuous enough to group me in with you... which, would be a mistake... why would you assume- yes, i share that experience with you. we are in the same group. but, unlike you, i enjoy questioning things and like philosophy.
NO. wrong groups again. have backwards. you and i? NOT a group. and also, amanda DOES like to question things, so QUIT trying to outcast her from that group.
sigh. impasse impasse impasse...
The aftermath of thought:
But actually... (and much to my chagrin) after giving it some thought...
i don't like to question everything.
Kind of embarrassing after i got so mad. But I don't.
I like to think, ponder, understand, explore, pick apart to see the guts inside and how they work... but question?
I don't question, challenge, or disbelieve things especially. I am gullible. The streak of blunt honesty in my nature expects the same in return.
If you tell me the sky is blue, i might think- what makes it blue? is the blue i see the same as the blue garret sees? what if what my brain calls pink is what other people see in their head and call blue? where is the line that separates sky from space? what IS sky exactly? not just air, not space...
I think about, I play with, but i rarely doubt any of the random information i know.
So, she was quite right. I do not like to question or challenge or doubt things. I just like to play.
Mostly, this is because things make sense.
I Question humans the most. Because conversations, behavior... is Non-sense.
I know, and can explain, why I do and say everything i do and say.
95% of everything others do and say?
i Do not-Know.